"Rehearsal" VS. "Practice" : DON'T WASTE EVERYONE ELSE'S TIME

 

"I'm not mean, I'm brutally honest. It's not my fault truth hurts. Here's a band-aid."
(Unknown)

A never-ending and increasingly-sensitive subject with one of the many projects I was a hired-gun for (names withheld to protect the guilty) was the argument of "rehearsal" versus "practice"; or more accurately, the contrast between my expectations that EVERYONE has practiced and memorized his/her parts prior to band rehearsal and someone else moaning and griping about not having enough "band rehearsals" or "time" to prepare for them. I realize some people do not appreciate my brutal honesty and what they perceive as a sometimes-condescending attitude, but it comes down to this: I SHOW UP AND DO MY FUCKING JOB. IF YOU AREN'T DOING YOURS AS WELL, IT'S ON YOU, NOT ME. CAPISCE?

First and foremost, always remember that EVERY band member’s time is just as valuable as yours, and aside being completely unprofessional on every level, wasting another member’s personal time/fuel cost/psychological energy by requiring them to grind through the motions over and over waiting for others to play catch-up is insulting (professionally AND personally), and is just simply downright rude and discourteous. The time to learn and memorize one’s own parts to the agreed upon material is on one’s own time, and that is called "practice". Band “rehearsals” are supposed to be just that: ”rehearsals” to solidify beginnings and ends, and to confirm that everyone has learned the material, or in some cases to rearrange existing material significantly, if you're building a mash-up or medley, or something of that nature. This should NOT be misused as a substitute for personal “practice” or “lesson” time for individuals. Particularly when addressing cover-bands, songs not being drastically modified from their original composition should only have to be rehearsed LITERALLY once or twice as a group if everyone comes prepared, and then the band should be more than ready to perform them live adequately without further study or repetition, moving onto the next new piece of material which was supposed to have been learned between band rehearsals. If someone is not 100% ready, just skip it and come back to it at a later date when he/she has completed their personal responsibility on his/her own time. If an irreparable handicap or limitation keeps the song from being performed satisfactorily, replace the song with one better suited to the skills of your members immediately and do not waste time on it any further. If more than one song on your to-do list for that rehearsal has to be skipped due to negligence, fuck it...just don't rehearse as a band this week and waste anyone else's time, you can use that allotted "band rehearsal time" for personal practice and everyone should be even better prepared for the next one. If you find yourself having to do this more than you feel you should (especially if/when you're being nagged about "rehearsal" on a weekly basis), it’s time to evaluate the weak link and consider a more universal solution for the health of your band (and yourself).

But whatever you do, for fuck's sake, NEVER give shitty excuses as to why you aren't prepared or "didn't have time" to get it together. Especially if there is already tension between you and another, more productive member of your band who (despite THEIR family and professional commitments) busts his/her ass to be prepared and then some, and definitely when everyone knows you have NO issues whatsoever "finding time" to go see other live music, shoot pool, hang out at the pub or do karaoke several nights a week, you're going to get called out when you start whinging on and on about your lack of "time" to prepare yourself for productive band rehearsals. If you're already a difficult bandmate to work with and there's bad chemistry between you and one or more bandmates, this is likely going to be the nail in the coffin which will cause your more-effective bandmates to consider other options in the form of sacking you to hire someone who takes the gig more seriously, or in them leaving your group and putting you in the situation of having to replace multiple band members in a very short amount of time. Just do the damned work. You most likely relish the accolades and (largely unwarranted) praise by bar patrons and your drunk friends at your shows, and you're spoiled by the sheer luck that they don't pay attention to what a half-ass you are compared to your bandmates, thus they may not realize that the music stand with lyric sheets and song notes you rely on for every performance is a clear sign of who is the least-prepared member of the band, the one who takes his/her showboating, chest-puffing, strutting braggadociously and liquor-shots more seriously than actually worrying about trivial little things like (*gasp!*) learning the music/words.

Excuses are never a substitute for RESULTS. You may say one thing, but trust me, your bandmates who actually put in their time learning and memorizing the material hear a completely different sentence. Here’s a translation guide (some items borrowed from an old article a friend sent me a while back) to the most common excuses heard at rehearsals (or "about" rehearsals), and why making them only makes you look foolish:

1. “I didn’t have time to listen to the music.” 

What we hear: I don’t take this gig/band/job seriously enough to prioritize learning the music. Although you gave me the music/lyrics to study and plenty of time in which to do it, it obviously never occurred to me that I should actually sit down for an extended period of time and learn/practice it at some point in the week between rehearsals. Feel free to replace me with someone who will spend time preparing for the gig. I’ll be hanging out doing karaoke or open-mic jams and wondering why no one is hiring me anymore. 

2. “This isn’t the way I usually play this song [or isn’t the way I’m used to playing it].” 

What we hear: I’m musically stuck in one style of playing and I don’t have the ability to hear or play things in new ways. I’m also lazy, and learning a new (or the CORRECT) way of playing this song would mean I have to actually put personal time into practice. [See #1] I would rather complain about the arrangement rather than take direction and focus on flowing with the band to actually play the song properly. 

3. “I forgot my pedal/amp/cord/equipment/cymbals/etc. “ 

What we hear: You mean to play my instrument, I actually have to bring ALL the pieces that make up the instrument? That’s news to me. Please replace me with someone who knows what parts he/she needs to play the instrument I claim to know how to play.

4. “This key/timing/progression doesn’t work for me.”

What we hear: I was unaware that there is more than one key in music. I was perfectly happy playing in the first key I learned back in elementary school – I think it’s "C"...or "G"– or the easiest key for me to play on guitar..."E"? After all, I just use my transpose button / capo and I’m all set when there’s another key. Too much work to actually learn to play in all 12 keys or use more than power-chords or basic cowboy chords. And let's just skip that bridge with the weird timing or odd chord progression because I don't feel like taking the time to learn it [Again, see #1] ; ALTERNATE TRANSLATION: Despite my posturing and boasting regarding my talent and ability, actually playing songs might be out of my scope of skills.

***NOTE: AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO SIMPLY "NOT PLAY ON" A PART BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO LEARN IT. ALSO, IF A SONG ORIGINALLY HAD TWO OR THREE GUITARISTS PLAYING (ESP. LIVE PERFORMANCES; FOR EXAMPLE SONGS BY RADIOHEAD, COLLECTIVE SOUL, ETC), DON'T PUT ALL THE WEIGHT ON ONE GUITARIST'S SHOULDERS TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK. IT SOUNDS LIKE SHIT AND IT'S EMBARRASSING TO PLAY IT THAT WAY. EARN YOUR KEEP OR QUIT.

5. “I’ll know it by the time we play the gig.”

What we hear: I’m so unjustifiably confident in my own abilities that I decided to just waste your time with this rehearsal. After all, why rehearse when I never play/sing a wrong note/beat/etc.? Well, okay, I play/sing lots of wrong notes/beats/etc., but I don’t actually consider that a problem. It’s only a problem for the rest of the band that has no idea what I’ll do when the actual performance rolls around. But I don't believe it's fair for you to presume that I will be just as unprepared come showtime as I was for rehearsal all those other times.

6. “I’m not performing at my potential because we [the band] don’t rehearse often enough together.”

What we hear: While I am just as capable as everyone else in the band to work on my individual responsibilities and duties to the band in my personal time to prevent adding to the chaos and to make actual progress, in addition to my aforementioned laziness, I’d rather waste everyone else’s time since I prefer spending time I could be learning/memorizing material out at the karaoke bar, shooting pool or getting shitfaced. Also, my ego disallows me to admit that I may not be as “good” as I pretend I am, so it makes more sense to gaslight, shifting blame to the collective in a futile attempt to save face and avoid accountability for my failures. How can I do my job, after all, if you aren't here to cue me and cover up my mistakes so I know what I can 'skip over' learning?!?!? That isn't very fair...to me...

7. “I’m not memorizing my parts/lyrics fully because the band doesn’t rehearse often enough.”

What we hear: See translations for #1 and #6.

8. “I’m not prepared or am not performing at my potential because I have had lots going on at work or in my personal life.”

What we hear: In case you haven’t gotten the hint already, my time is far more valuable than yours is, and if I would’ve called off rehearsal till a later date when I have my act together, it would mean I’d have to drink and be counterproductive/annoying at home alone or at the karaoke bar instead of with you guys. 

***NOTE: BOO-FUCKING-HOO. WHEN SOME OF US HAVE 3 OR 4 OTHER MUSICAL PROJECTS TO JUGGLE, A DAY JOB, A FAMILY AND OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES AND WE STILL MANAGE TO SHOW UP AND DO OUR DAMN JOBS, YOUR ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT.

9. “You guys don’t understand how hard it is for me to do this [play/sing].”

What we hear: I obviously have not paid attention to or have not done any research on my bandmates, and I do not realize that one of my band members has done or currently does the exact same job as I do in another group (or two...or three) and I’m making a complete ass of myself by whining about my chosen position/duty in the band like a little bitch. But don’t step on my toes and prove you can do the job as easily or effectively, because that makes me fear that I might be replaced and won’t have anywhere to go get shitfaced in the company of actual human beings and listen to myself mumble and slur into a microphone.

***NOTE ON #9: SERIOUSLY. SHUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING MOUTH. JUST QUIT IF IT'S "THAT HARD". IF ALL YOU DO IS BITCH ABOUT YOUR CHOSEN INSTRUMENT/ROLE, YOU ARE BECOMING A STRAIN, DEAD-WEIGHT, AND A LIABILITY, AND IF SOMEONE ELSE IN THE BAND CAN DO EVEN 80% AS GOOD OF A JOB ON ANY GIVEN NIGHT, YOUR ASS IS ALREADY OBSOLETE.

10. “This is a hobby...I don’t want it to feel like a job.”

What we hear: For me, anyway. I expect the rest of you need to play on a professional level and the way I want, to make it desirable and fun for me to continue with this band, however the same cannot be expected in return, because your expectations of me fulfilling MY duties in the same professional and consistent manner would make it less fun, and more like “work”...for ME. Just please continue to make me look good and let's all get along, K?

***NOTE: IT'S ALSO NOT A GOOD IDEA TO WAVE HANDS AT, POINT FINGERS AT OR TRY TO "DIRECT" YOUR BANDMATES ON PARTS THEY DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH DOING ON SONGS THAT THEY ALREADY DON'T LIKE IF YOU THINK YOU CAN SELECTIVELY "SIT OUT" ON PARTS OR DUTIES YOURSELF. AND IF YOU EVER YELL AT A BANDMATE AT REHEARSAL TO SHUT UP, BE QUIET OR STOP PLAYING BECAUSE YOU FORGOT YOUR PART OR WHATEVER AND THE "NOISE" IS DISTRACTING YOU, CONSIDER YOUR DAYS NUMBERED. SERIOUSLY, GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR SHIT UP.

11. “I didn’t get the email/text or didn't check the calendar.”

What we hear: I’ve somehow managed (despite having my phone up my ass 24/7) to neglect opening the email attachment with the song you sent weeks ago or take the time to read my messages thoroughly. And what in the world is a ‘Dropbox' or 'Google Drive?’ I’d prefer if you went old-school and handed me a CD, or you could go classic and fax me the sheet music/lyrics. Just page my beeper when you send it. 

12. “I listened to the wrong arrangement.”

What we hear: When I saw the song on the list, I immediately pulled up every Youtube and Spotify version of the song I could find – except the one you specified – and got thoroughly confused. One was played in F sharp as a waltz and another was in C minor as a blues. I’m just gonna play a mash-up of the two and hope one of them is the one you wanted. It didn’t help that I waited till an hour before rehearsal to start listening to it instead of a week ago when you sent it, but whatev’s...

13. “I already know it.”

What we hear: I’ve heard the song on the radio a few times and I think I can guess/bullshit my way through enough of the song to convince you that I know it, and if not, I'll just add that to my sheets of notes or on my iPad so I can (try to) read off it onstage, no one will notice after all, I'm sure. Of course, if I miss a chord or melody I can just blame it on the other musicians for changing the feel. No one will ever know as long as I act like I was the guy in the studio during the original recording. 

14. “I just learned the (verse, chorus, etc).”

What we hear: While listening to it that couple times just before rehearsal [see translation for #12], I decided I’d just catch the gist of the chorus, the hook, or some other part of the song and learn the rest later. “Later” never happened, and now we’re supposed to play the entire thing. Just be appreciative that I can play the section I learned. No one ever does the entire song anyway...right? 

15. “We’ll just play that part differently, nobody will care.”

What we hear: Either I’m too lazy (there’s that word again) to learn how to play the part right, or the ability of another member or myself just isn’t up to snuff to play it properly, so let’s just do it the halfassed way instead of picking another song we can actually all play competently. I’ll probably be too drunk by that point in the set to play/sing it right anyway, so who cares? 

16. “This PA/amp/guitar/microphone/lighting/something-I-ate-for-dinner is messing me up.”

What we hear: I’m too proud to admit that I make as many mistakes as anyone else, and refuse to admit that I just plain screwed up, so I’m going to blame a piece of equipment or some random-ass circumstance for my failure to perform. 

17. “I play just fine drunk/high.”

What we hear: Chemical impairment not only renders me incapable of putting on a quality professional performance, but it also graciously renders me incapable of noticing, or caring. 

***NOTE: NEWS FLASH---NOBODY PLAYS OR SINGS BETTER WHEN THEY'RE SHITFACED. DON'T BELIEVE ME? RECORD A PERFORMANCE SOBER, AND ANOTHER INTOXICATED. LISTEN TO THE DEGRADED QUALITY ONCE THOSE SHOTS AND BEER KICK IN. LEARN, BEFORE THAT ONE FATEFUL SHOW WHERE YOU HAVE A MEMBER OR TWO START PACKING UP MID-SET BECAUSE THEY ARE EMBARRASSED.

18. “I'm just getting over a [random common illness], so I might not be [or that’s why I wasn’t] on my A-game tonight.”

What we hear: I [still] haven't learned/memorized the material very well and/or haven’t corrected the issues I had with playing/singing it, so I'm going to be leaning on the rest of the band the entire rehearsal and wasting everyone’s time. Thankfully I’ll be incoherent after some shots and a few beers during the breaks, and it won’t be noticeable [to me].

19. “The absence of [a preferred effect/mix] on my instrument/vocal is messing me up.”

What we hear: I would prefer to mask my marginal [or lack of] ability to do my job with an effect, and not being able to do so has psyched me out. 

20. “I don’t have an ego problem. YOU’RE the one with the ego.”

What we hear: I have narcissistic personality disorder. 

Hopefully these translations will help you see these common phrases for what they are – excuses that attempt to hide a lack of character, respect and professionalism. Ban these phrases from your musical vocabulary (and rid yourself of the folks who use them) and you’ll have much better rehearsals and performances.

This is especially applicable to cover-bands who aren't doing original material. Because unless you are actually creating new, original music together and are brainstorming arrangements, there IS no excuse. In a cover-band, you have music to learn, and a nearly-infinite source of information called "the internet", which is available 24/7/365. There is no viable, logical excuse to coming to rehearsals less than ready. There is no explanation known to man as to why a group of even marginally-competent musicians shouldn't be expected to bring at LEAST 6 new cover songs to the table each rehearsal. Being in a cover-band is LITERALLY the least amount of actual musical work you can do besides karaoke and DJ-ing, and if your bandmate can make time to learn that fucking godawful Creed or Staind song you won't just let fucking die, then you can learn the non-shitty material like someone who gives a damn about his/her band. End of story.

If all this sounds pointed, it is. If you feel attacked or triggered, well...where I come from there's a saying: "a hit dog will holler". But when you've had this experience over and over again where people don't listen when you talk about things, and ignore it altogether when you put it in writing (texts/emails), sometimes your options are to vent in a manner such as this so they can reflect accordingly. I guess you could also bottle it up and then blow up at someone at an inopportune time (at rehearsal...on stage...at a gig...whatever), but this way seems healthier, and is a shit-ton more polite and matter-of-fact than I would be able to be once my buttons have been pushed too much. Lastly, often people resort to getting offended at criticism when they SHOULD be looking at it like "holy fuck...this guy actually has put a lot of thought and effort into trying to help our band be all that it can be."

...oh...the LULZ of the dive-bar music career...

Dweezil and Me Regarding the Right Way to Cover Songs

In an interview, Dweezil Zappa chimed in on what he perceives as apathy or laziness from guitarists playing covers. From the article:

"There's a lot of people that — and sometimes it just comes down to laziness — they're like, 'Well, I'll just do my own thing.' Because they hear enough of it, and they're like, 'I'm in the ballpark. I'll just make my [own thing].'"

"But to me, when I was learning songs, if it was Van Halen or if it was something that Randy Rhoads was playing, I didn't feel like I was playing the song at all unless I played exactly what I heard them doing. And I wanted to learn the nuances. I wanted to try to get the sound. I wanted to do that. Because to me, that was the whole package of playing the song."

Dweezil recalled that his goal as a young player learning the instrument has not deviated much from today. That is, to recreate a piece of music he is covering authentically.

"So when somebody says, 'Hey, I can play 'Eruption,' I'm like, 'Great! Let me see it.' And if it's not what I heard on the record, then, to me, it's not it. As a kid, that was the goal: was to try to get as close as I could on any of that stuff, which is not easy. I mean, it's been a lifelong obsession to learn how to play a lot of this kind of stuff."

This has been a point of contention for me, for a very long time now. Up until about 15 years ago, you'd only catch me playing cover songs as filler in between original compositions, and on my terms. No "Skynyrd" (or other overplayed stuff you could literally go to the bar next door and hear some other terrible group do crappy versions of), no godawful modern "country", and no flavor-of-the-month garbage. I generally disregarded and frankly mocked the idea of being in a cover band (because more often than not, cover bands are where musicians go to die), and the only thing that changed that slightly was when I started getting calls to get paid to fill-in for whatever tweaker/drunk (hi, Joey!) failed to show up to a gig, or who got banned from a venue (again, hi, Joey!), or who flaked-out and didn't learn his material. Even 15 years after conceding to the lure of the quick and easy weekend dollar playing lousy, corny-as-hell, played-to-death songs, I still think it's often hokey and halfassed, and I learned really quickly just how low the standards were, and are. But, I guess there's something to be said for getting paid to put about 60-70% into a performance and still have people act like you're some kind of god among men, so whatev's. 

By "low standards", I mean both musicians AND audiences. I was doing hired-gun cover gigs for 3 or 4 years before I actually really sat down and learned any "new songs", because 9 out of 10 bands literally play the same crap, and 99 out of 100 don't really even play their covers "right". I think one would use a description like "loose interpretations",even with chord charts, lyric sheets and other crutches. I just winged it, played whatever sounded "close enough" and didn't worry about investing too much energy into it since everyone else seemed to be screwing around and not playing them properly anyway; funnily enough, I "learned the right way of playing" most of the songs onstage, by accident, polishing turds and using the experience as "paid practice". For performing musicians in the bar scene, those low expectations from audiences just looking for a good time are a godsend. It's decent money for not a lot of actual work. Never let a musician talk your ear off about "hard work", because the hardest part of playing a cover gig is loading in/out. And dealing with cutthroat egos. The rest is like hunting dairy cows with scoped high-powered rifles and calling yourself a "skilled hunter".

Cover musicians are a dime a dozen (and that might even be a GENEROUS estimate...should be more like, a nickel), in particular "singers" and guitarists. Some are decent, most really aren't. But the ones who stand out are the ones who pay attention to detail. It's often a subtle contribution, like a certain chord voicing that most players are lazy with, or playing the hummable, recognizable parts of guitar solos and not just some doltish fast blues-pentatonic or wheedly-wheedly masturbatory exercise that screams "look at me, okay, that'll do!" I do believe there is room in most songs one might cover for players to put a little stank on parts, but you also have to nail the important bits. I see a lot of guitarists play too much and more or less ignore what NEEDS to be played, and I'm not a fan. It's self-serving and hacky. The exception is when you're doing a completely different format than the source artists (like Local H or the Presidents of the USA), or are reinterpreting songs in a different genre (Cake, Dread Zeppelin), but otherwise, show a little self-respect and play it right if you're not just goofing off.

I still learn 90% of anything I end up playing onstage by listening to something while driving around, or streaming music in the background when I'm working, and then eventually I'll dink around and figure out the remaining bits before I go on. I think Dweezil's right, insofar as if I'm listening to someone performing a familiar song and something is notably "wrong", I check out in 20 seconds or less. Crummy guitar tone? Bye. Using power-chords when you should be using full chords or vice-versa? Nah. Wanking around instead of playing a revered lick or solo? Gross. Overplaying literally at any time? Fucking weirdo. Using too much distortion or delay and turning a straight-up rock song into some bedroom-guitar-hero, dated, pseudometal cacophony? Get the hell out of here. Even though I am not exerting myself physically, mentally or artistically by playing other people's music, I try (in most cases) to pay proper homage to the original artists and keep the song sounding familiar. Depending on which band I'm playing with, I may have my trusty old Digitech RP500 with dozens of patches to emulate Angus' or Slash's Marshall, Mike Campbell's or Neil Young's Fender Deluxes, Lindsey Buckingham's volume-pedal-swells, an old Twin Reverb for some chicken-pickin', and so on. Or, in another band I just stick to a basic pedalboard with a couple different drive pedals, a delay, a wah and a Whammy Pedal, done. Depends on the quality of the crowd for me. Meaning, I'm more interested in "impressing" the attendees of a high-paying gig (corporate event, frat/sorority functions, etc) by nailing "the tone", whereas for the average shitty dive bar crowd who'll be buzzed midway through the first set and drunk by the second, an approximation will do. 

But regardless of what guitar or rig I pick, I try to keep covers familiar sounding and close to what the audience expects. I have watched bandmates and fill-in/substitute players turn gigs into an opportunity to force people to listen to them exercise their scales (and to show off their gear/wardrobe), and it's painful to listen to/watch, to the point of me being embarrassed FOR them. I would be insulted, as an audience member, having to listen to some twat goof off on guitar noodling and fucking up a song I like. But I always have to remember that audiences are largely made up of people who are not musicians, or are not actually all that musically knowledgeable. Most of them can't tell the drummer hiccupped a beat, or that the bass player was playing the wrong notes entirely, or that the singer actually kind of sucks, so I'd guess most of them aren't worried about atrocious guitar tone, wanky guitar playing or fucking up a chord progression. However, I see it more of a self-respect thing in those instances, where sure, THEY might not know what I'm doing (right OR wrong), but I do, and I have to evaluate my performance and be proud of it (or mortified by it).

So decide if you're comfortable just halfassing it and be "good enough for the drunk dive bar crowd), or if you want to sound actually good, competent and have something to be proud of---well, as "proud" as one can be simply covering other people's work, anyway. But don't be too awful offended when some of us aren't the least bit impressed by horrible renditions of songs and piss-poor musicianship that overshadows any technical prowess or street-cred you think you may have. 

Re-blog : 10 Things Indie Musicians Do That Make People Hate Indie (from Monitor Down, 2009)

 

This one by Peter Kimmich is too good not to re-blog. It's sad that an article almost two decades old still remains so relevant. Unfortunately, all it takes to ruin the fun for everyone else is a handful of insufferably bad apples, but when it's "the norm", well...that's soul-draining. This might hit close to home for some, but those who see it on the reg can appreciate both the brutal honesty AND the humor (intentional and otherwise). Enjoy!

First of all, I love indie. I love it like a 15-year-old boy loves Megan Fox, sans anything involving posters on ceilings. So before you get up in my face with loud, defensive, aggravated comments about how great it is — I know, I know. Mellow.

But again like our halter-wearing temptress, there are a lot of seemingly reasonable people who HATE indie. And when you start to talk to these people about their hatred (once they get past the asinine jabs about hipster jeans, beards and technical guitar skills, like those even matter), you start to realize they may actually be on to something. Because even though indie is awesome, it’s only really awesome if it’s done right. And sometimes, you just have to take a loved one by the collar and tell them when they’re not doing something right. Right?

Here are some of the things indie musicians do that piss off people who otherwise have good taste in music. (Subtext: if you hate indie because the only style of music you like is speed metal or radio country, then this list, and my entire blog, will probably mean nothing to you.)

1. Whine a lot more than necessary. Most people understand that songwriting is about expressing emotions, so like-minded listeners can identify when their parents get divorced and they’re shuttled back and forth like a fake ID at a sorority house. But those alleged “genuine” emotions shouldn’t cause stool to run soft in the bowel, and those “genuine” lyrics shouldn’t have to become ironic Facebook status updates. Despite the majority of indie songwriters who express their inner ingénue at an appropriate level, a lot of them tend to dwell on the idea of adult male vulnerability, riding it like the bow of the Titanic until people in the crowd are considering dialing a hotline. The result: indie rock that is backed only by overdramatic 14-year-old girls and moms who are just glad their kid isn’t listening to Insane Clown Posse. And the woe in my heart bleeds like yesterday’s undercooked pot roast.

2. Sing like the deaf. Okay, part of being vulnerable and “real” is not having an overtly superior singing style. No one expects to be empathizing with Bono, or relating on a personal level to Axl Rose. (Yikes.) Still, there are a couple of fundamentals that are just part of singing — like pitch control, and not making the audience laugh out loud. So when the biggest Clap Your Hands Say Yeah single sounds like Joe Assface got up on karaoke night and ran a schoolbus over the solfege scale, it’s tough to hold the contempt in check. It’s even worse when it’s a cover of a song people are already familiar with, like Clem Snide’s abhorrent version of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful,” or Ben Gibbard’s cringe-inducing take on Bjork’s “All is Full of Love.” I don’t care how cute his own songs are, taking on Bjork’s most well-heard single with his northern-accented po-boy whimper is like climbing Mount St. Helens in a T-shirt and Converse low-tops. When the tone that comes across is “this didn’t sound like it did in my head, but oh well,” something is probably lost.

3. Shamelessly imitate other musicians. How many more indie lead singers are going to try to sound like Ian Curtis before someone devotes a top-10 list to it? Even though the Interpol/Editors/White Lies/Horrors/She Wants Revenge singing style is still cool almost 30 years after the end of Joy Division, indie bands with that sound are about as rare as lice at a Phish concert. At least there’s the rejuvenating presence of the Libertines/Arctic Monkeys/Bloc Party/Larrikin Love/Paddingtons/We Are Scientists “reckless” sound to remind us that anyone can roll out of bed in the morning and record an album between snorting lines and scraping the paint off vintage Telecasters. (And they’re all better than the Panic at the Disco/Fall Out Boy/Paramore/The Academy Is…/MCR pseudo-indie outfits with pop-punk mafia ties. )

4. Fail to grasp playing instruments. Once again, the everyman’s musician doesn’t need to play guitar like Eddie Van Halen. (Or Blake Mills, formerly of Simon Dawes.) It can even be a point of pride to be “self-taught” … but it shouldn’t come into question whether the guitarist is using his hands or his feet. Case in point: Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty and his zombie-esque guitarist Mick Whitnall are a page out of the “Make Sure You’ll Be Able to Remember the Recording Session” manual. As talented as Doherty is, his band has released possibly the two worst-sounding albums in music, and yes, that crashing sound at the end of Down in Albion is him falling on his wasted ass. But even musicians who are too bombed to employ the musical skills they have are still superior to the ones who are not wasted, and just try to play like they are. Even worse, there’s the whole sub-layer of completely un-musical local musicians who try to get away with “unconventional” techniques, like playing the guitar like a stand-up bass, relying on “tones” or feedback to create music, or literally just holding the guitar throughout a show only to play two strings during the loud part. Just learn a song, butterfingers.

5. Create noise experiments. Lou Reed tried it with Metal Machine Music, an album consisting largely of feedback – and even that was regarded as a joke. Imagine, then, the impact your crappy, untrained garage band will have on the musical landscape when you unleash your new brand of electric-drill-inspired, ultra-distorted noise music for all to appreciate. Will it be “refreshing” when the opening notes of your first performance sound like a large train trying to shove through a small tunnel? Will the squeaky chair hooked up to a loose guitar pickup break anyone out of their sad, close-minded funk? Will they “get it” when you finally chop the head off your guitar with a bolt cutter at the end of your set? Probably not, you ridiculous excuse for a musician – please fuck off, and refer to number 4 above.

6. Selectively hate major labels. Indie musicians take pride in being independent, and in getting their music noticed without the aid of the big, soul-sucking music industry monster. They enjoy picking apart bands they’ve heard of who have “sold out,” changed their sound a little, and started touring with Velvet Revolver and Jane’s Addiction. “Damn, the Frog Bots get one deal and they change completely, and now they’re only playing for meatheads and teeny boppers at $75 a ticket. Way to betray the scene, man.” Unless, of course, it’s a friend of theirs. In that case, “did you hear about the Narwhal Endeavor? They just got the deal of a lifetime, and now they’re touring with Pearl Jam. That’s awesome.” And finally, what happens when a suit comes to knock on their own door? Everyone and their roommate shits a brick, that’s what happens. So much for integrity, I guess.

7. Have obscure-band-offs. Sports guys like to rattle off stats, car guys like to compare engines, and techies like to talk about the latest gear they bought. But somehow, none of it is as infuriating as the veiled contempt in an indie rocker’s voice when he (or she) name-drops an ultra-secret underground band he (or she) is hoping you’ll be stumped by. “Yeah, we (.2) were handing out CDs at the Glimmering Sock Muppets show last night. Killer band.” This is followed by an expectant stare. The only way to respond gracefully is to name-drop the primary influence of the Glimmering Sock Muppets, or at least point out how awesome it is that they poached the lead singer from the Kitten Tossers last week. Though the former is preferable. Of course, if you don’t recognize them, your only hope of staying cool is to actually be in a more noteworthy band — in which case your non-recognition might even cause the questioner to question his own sense of band judgment. Then again, you could always do some research in the used section at Amoeba, you poseur.

8. Go for the “indie look.” Wearing frayed vintage stuff isn’t necessarily the biggest fault of indie musicians — but then there are the ones who try to out-indie everyone by sporting every indie fashion trend at once. They usually end up looking like one of Lou Pearlman’s sadistic boy-band experiments: greasy, deliberately tangled hair; the light stubble that says “I’m not overly focused on my outward appearance;” the prerequisite all-weather scarf; the mod hat no one wears outside of an Urban Outfitters catalog; suspenders; the collage of concert wristbands; the v-neck that almost exposes nipple, for that subtle feminine mystery; the obligatory women’s fur-lined jacket, just to make it clear they don’t care what you think of them. And of course, no indie look would be complete without the nearly constant semblance of posing for something — something such as the inevitable barrage of Myspace photography that comes after the first round of dirty martinis. The only justice here is the notion that, according to historic fashion norms, these guys will be trying to pull off “bohemian vogue” until well after senility has set in. Eff that, ya whipper snapper.

9. Idolize their genre above all others. I’ve met metal guys who are into reggae, and hip-hop guys who are into funk and disco. There’s even an entire segment of punks who get into country. But for indie musicians, the only thing better than indie rock is indie rock and beer. Just take an indie rocker on a long road trip and they’ll have something to say about everything that comes out of your stereo until you start playing Muse, the Smiths, or something that sounds like Muse or the Smiths. I’ll admit that I’m living proof of this, if not to the degree that’s possible when you put someone with musical opinions into one of the most clique-y genres ever created. At least it’s easy to start up a conversation with them at a party: just mention the undeniable production benefits of auto-tune. You’ll start a landslide.

10. Worship Radiohead. Actually, I can’t blame indie guys for this, because Radiohead is awesome. But hey, some people hate them. Makes sense to me.

Original article found here: https://www.monitordown.com/2009/10/28/10-things-indie-musicians-do-that-make-people-hate-indie/

Removing Dead Weight Pt3 : Parting is Such Sweet---er...no, it isn’t... - Mentally Preparing for "Mandatory Band Membership Restructuring” and Dealing with the Fallout

 

In this final part to the "Dead Weight Trilogy", I'm just going to give you a little encouragement, advice and motivation to act on what you know needs to be done now. 

As someone who has been on both sides of the cheesy soap-opera called "the firing of a bandmate" at one point or another throughout the years (literally only once having been fired, but still, it DID happen that time), I can confirm that it's rarely pretty. Most of the time, the individual being dismissed is the only one in the band who didn't see it coming. And it’s no secret that musicians, in general, can be some of the most needy, melodramatic and petty people on the planet, which leads to "complications" in situations that should be cut-and-dry. I have always said semi-jokingly that the one thing that might make me just quit playing music altogether one day is...well..."musicians".

When someone becomes a liability, it's time to act. It's no longer a time to "talk" to deaf ears about a problem that will not simply go away (or to repeat one’s self for the Nth time expecting the individual to straighten up “this time”). And no one is a "jerk" or "asshole" because they don't let someone else embarrass them, or because they refuse to let someone disrespect them and waste their time. No one is “unreasonable” for holding another to the same standard of courtesy, priority, work ethic and respect he/she holds him-/herself to. It's NOT out-of-bounds for you to be dismissed from a band because you aren't a good fit, aren't bringing enough to the table or aren't truly carrying your own weight. No one is so special or so talented that they should get a pass, and odds are, if you're "in between bands", it's not your first rodeo. And my heart goes out to people backed into the corner who are forced to have to restructure their band, even if it was under amicable circumstances, because it's never a walk in the park. But often, the more urgency in play, the less-amicable the inevitable split will be, and there's just no easy way. Well, the actual dismissal part is as simple as you want it to be--could be a call, a text, an email or a band meeting. Just have your facts in your corner, say what you need to say and done. For the recipient of the proverbial eviction notice though, the feelings could vary from relief with a side of restrained jubilation (like the time I was let go from a band) all the way to psychotic rage. You might get lucky and have a "healthy breakup" with said member (now-former-member), but always be prepared to see that person's absolute worst come out. If the person is a levelheaded, reasonable person, you might just get a little snarkiness or attitude, but if he/she is a mercurial or eccentric individual, things could get nasty.

Regardless, if you've reached the point where your working relationship is no longer productive or enjoyable, something must be done. 9 out of 10 times, there will be more than one band member who wants to see the problematic bandmate shown the exit. But in that rare case where you're the only one, be objective and ask yourself if it might be an issue with yourself more than anything. You might be able to compartmentalize and work around it provided the band is flourishing, the gigs are rewarding/lucrative and you otherwise like the band or the music you're playing. But I can tell you from experience (and as you've seen in my previous blog), there are just some personality types that don't make for good bandmate material. If they make you dread performing, rehearsals, songwriting sessions, etc., they're sapping your mojo, and something's got to give, even if that means you have to recuse yourself from the band in the event that the rest of the band gets on well, leaving you the odd-man-out. Never disregard the fact that there WILL be a reaction from the fired member, one way or the other...it just depends on their personality and mental health stability how reactive they'll be.

From the perspective of the now-bandless party, when it comes to life in general, owning up to a mistake, bad life choice or failure to do one's job reliably/consistently is never an easy task, but it's more honorable and truthful than pretending you “don't know what went wrong”, or even worse, trying to convince anyone who’ll listen that it's simply some mere coincidence or conspiracy and that everyone’s just out to get you. Not saying that sometimes the conspiracy paranoia isn't dead on the money (I've seen it firsthand), but that's the less-frequent scenario. So BE OBJECTIVE. When it comes to being excused from a band, it's disingenuous and atrocious for someone to go through extraneous efforts to try to convince their entourage and acquaintances that it was somehow ANYONE else’s fault but their own, but the fact remains that everyone else in the band voted to sack them. Whether unanimously or by majority-rule, you're out, and be truthful about why, no matter how hurt your feelings might be over it. It will save you embarrassment, and keep you from being "that guy" who spreads disinformation gaslighting the people who collectively decided they didn't want to work with you anymore.

But it happens, even when dealing with musicians well into middle age who, based on my personal experience, are often surprisingly far worse than people half their age when it comes to band (and personal) drama. And it's especially infuriating when you (as a remaining member of a band dismissing a problem child) take the high road and keep the "official" word diplomatic, respectful and vague in the name of helping to protect the reputation of someone who probably doesn't actually deserve it (Hi again, Ben!), only to find out that he/she in turn has slandered and defamed you and your group, played victim to whomever will listen, talking trash because he/she has absolutely nothing better to do and no other reason to exist. When he/she resorts to outright LIES to vilify their former bandmates, it speaks louder and more negatively about his/her own character than anyone else's in the group, that he/she feels such insecurity or jealousy that they must try to discredit others in a vain attempt to raise themselves up a little, and you need to remember that ultimately, karma will prevail. When the folks attending the pity-party aren't hearing "all the details", and are only hearing this one story from an individual who has a desperate, vested interest in making sure people believe his/her side of the story over the painful truth, accountability is absent and becomes irrelevant. And those people don't realize they're being played (victimized) in the process also, adding insult to injury in the end. Unfortunately, this is a very real possibility that you need to be prepared for, just in case. 

For the band's fans, friends, hangers-on and such, sure, there are always "two sides to the story", just make sure you hear both of those sides so you can decide objectively which party is truly at fault. Keep in mind that the band as a collective decided to fire the member, and it's more often than not for very legitimate reasons, despite what the disgruntled individual may want friends/associates/random strangers to believe. Simple personality conflicts or clashes in chemistry between a couple members rarely (if ever) end in the band firing either member, as usually one or the other will simply quit on their own, done deal. So if someone tells you an outrageously vague story about how he/she was just "for whatever (unknown) reason" suddenly and unexpectedly let go from their musical project by all its other members as a band decision, you might want to inquire deeper before judging the multiple people who made this collective choice in direction. Odds are, the majority parties have a perfectly logical reason, or were actually just trying to not only protect their own integrity by not being melodramatic about it, but also are protecting friends/fans/YOU from awful performances or watching band drama unfold. It's your responsibility to make sure you are informed if you're going to take a "side" on a matter like this, or MOST IMPORTANTLY: you need to ask yourself why you are thought so little of that you are being coerced into taking sides in the first place, and why he/she is so intent that you believe what he/she wants you to believe blindly. So the next time a salty person who's been handed his/her walking papers by their band tells you someone/everyone else is “difficult” or “hard to work with”, or that the parties being insulted are “jerks” or “assholes”, make sure you grill the butthurt accuser a little. Ask them why. Ask for examples. And demand the truth. If they won’t give it to you, or their explanations don’t add up, I’m sure their former bandmates would be more than glad to educate you in the matter and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to clear up any falsehoods. Also ask yourself, why is this person exerting energy being a negative twat instead of forming his/her own new musical project? Perhaps he/she has trouble finding musicians willing to gamble on his/her sobriety, personality and reliability? There’s a reason the band who axed him/her is still getting by just fine in his/her absence or possibly even has improved overall without the hindrances. So think about that while you’re listening to the next round of whining and moaning before forming a conclusive opinion.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be whiny washout weekend warrior rockstar-wannabes. Or at least make sure if they do end up as such, that they can take their licks when their irresponsibility comes back to bite them, and will act like an adult about it when it does. And musicians, word gets around when you act a fool and spread BS. So act your age, PLEASE! You're making the rest of us look bad, and not for the reason you intended!!!

Removing Dead Weight Pt2 : Sure, But How Much SHOULD You Endure and How Do You Implement a Change?

In my last blog I discussed a particular situation where a key member was rendered incapable of doing his job due to illness or alcoholic misadventure. Most of my posts are at least somewhat autobiographical in origin, based on situations I've found myself in or people I've found myself dealing with, and this is obviously the case here. With this kind of thing, in the back of my mind I try to believe it will work out one way or the other, however you never quite know when, or which way the shit will actually go down. One of the most embarrassing instances of having to implement a contingency was on June 8, 2018. I had anticipated it was coming any day now, and it became clear that night, no longer a mystery as to when it would happen, or what would need do be done. I don't have any reason to name names other than the "Ben" I referenced a couple blogs back, because those who were there know all the details, and those who know me will fully be in-the-know about the situation, and can appreciate my perspective from "the other side", in case there was any doubt, misrepresentation or curiosity. Unlike Ben, we were civil and wanted simply to be rid of him dragging us down. Ben, on the other hand, was so utterly butthurt and in denial of his own accountability (as most low-EQ narcissists are) that he took to the streets to try to get the band blacklisted at every venue for "screwing him over", conveniently leaving out the part where we fired him for being unprofessional, disrespectful to audiences and venues, and simply not doing his job. Ben, in his impotent rage, gaslit the ever-loving fuck out of everyone else, played the victim, and as often happens when folks with NPD are faced with the consequences of their own failures or actions (right, "Jenny"?), the make their rounds to get their histrionic false narrative out there first, in order to sway opinions and bias to their favor. Unfortunately, it works in most cases, and there are a lot of people out there who have been played (and thus are "victims" in their own right now) because they let a narcissist manipulate their feelings, opinions and allegiances. So our band dismissed him respectfully, keeping the torrid details to ourselves, and he invented a different reality where everyone else was wrong, and he had not, in fact, let everyone down or exhausted his last chances. I vowed that in the future I would not prioritize diplomacy over the truth, because "those kinds of people" are incapable of appreciating it or simply moving the fuck on. So what actually happened, you ask?

The tragic irony is that the first set of the performance that night was actually pretty strong. For probably the very first time in my membership of the band in question up till that point, I was smiling onstage for more than just a couple songs, and was actually having a [*gasp!*] pretty good time. The overall stage sound was cooperating with us, everyone was playing/singing well and the audience was actually tuned in. I also had just found out one of my other projects (another cover-band, but a much more professional and stress-free situation with some folks who were like literal family), was being put down permanently due to one of the members' health, and I had come to some kind of grips that I was going to try to work with this situation, despite my lament and disappointment at lyric sheets onstage and some pretty serious personality clashes. I was trying. But back to the specific night's show. As covers gigs go, it wasn't terrible during that first set. Certainly overall the best set this particular group had played, ever. And I'm not exaggerating. That's why what followed was perplexing, depressing, infuriating and catalytic.

The self-appointed frontperson of the group had already been talked to about performance fitness in the weeks leading up to the gig, more accurately the importance of not getting shitfaced onstage at a performance. This seemed to be a non-issue at this point, after having had a few shows of no incidents (the last embarrassing one being, maybe not-so-coincidentally, a the very same club a couple months earlier), and I think maybe that contributed to the overall ease and positive vibes of that first set, not feeling guarded about that from the start. But I noticed there were a few shots downed during that first set, along with the first bottle or two of Natty Light out of a bucket. God knows what got drank during the between-set break, because the bucket was empty and little plastic shot cups abound. Second set started off mostly fine, but halfway through, things started getting sloppy. REALLY sloppy. By the fourth-to-last song, the morale dropped out as the drunken stupor kicked in, with slurred lyrics (and the wrong words, despite the lyrics on the iPad in front). By the final two songs of the set, dude could barely stand, much less play guitar or sing. It was utterly mortifying. That was it. I was done. After the final song in the set, I laid down my guitar gently, took a few deep breaths, and walked out to my car to contemplate how I was going to handle the situation.

As I was walking back around to the front of the club, I saw the bassist and his girlfriend talking, in what appeared to be a fairly heated conversation. Much to my surprise, he was as embarrassed and mad as me (quite profound, considering he and Ben were regular hang-out buddies and all), and he had enough as well. Now we were getting somewhere. When the drummer found us, the discussion began. The bassist's girlfriend kept trying to talk us down asking us as there's anything we could do to finish the night, turn him down or play over him or whatever, and I fucking refused. I told them I wasn't going back on. I gave them the option that the only way I'll go back on was if the problem child sits out the set, but I was not going back on stage with that motherfucker, period. Ever. So that was the end of it.

Inside, our staggering other member first stumbled around the stage singing(?) into the mic along with the jukebox, and then pouted and moped around when he realized we were done for the night; and after HIS OWN girlfriend split leaving the bassist's girlfriend helped him load out, he proceeded to pass out on a table at the bar. I made it clear to the other two that I'm tired of showing up doing my part and getting paid the same as the person who comes in and halfasses the whole damn time to begin with and basically gets paid to get fucked up (often drinking the entire "band tab" without help from the rest of us). I drove home angry and disgusted, but at the same time, perversely relieved because I knew that this was the end of having to deal with someone I barely could stand to be in the same room with, let alone to share a stage with and "back". I am better than that. And now I had the ultimate "out", one way or the other.

The next morning, Ben called the bassist, claiming to be unclear as to why everyone was pissed at him, and stating that he (and I quote) "didn't remember" what went on. HELLO???

Here's a hint to all you party-pros: if you drank so much you "black out", you should not have been performing. When you are being paid to do a job, you should not be letting yourself overindulge and the responsibility to earn your portion of the payment.

I had no intent to discuss it, negotiate it or give someone a "second, second chance" after being disrespected and embarrassed like that. I would find out that Ben spent that whole weekend obsessed with us "looking for a new singer"; again, this is someone who never acknowledged or took me seriously when I reminded him that I have always fronted bands, and in fact, co-fronted the act which had just retired that previous week. The guy also never acknowledged or "liked" my solo artist page (original work), presumably again because if he refused to acknowledge its existence, it somehow could be ignored and he didn't have to admit I had a life outside of backing him up and making him look good. Hell, HOW many times did I have to step up to sing an Alice in Chains or Soundgarden song because he'd thrown his voice out earlier that week drinking, smoking and doing karaoke??? He could not seem to fathom the possibility that I was going to do his job in the event he was dismissed. "Bitch," I thought to myself, "I am going to sing. We don't need a 'new' singer." He failed to put two and two together that the months of nagging about learning lyrics, learning how to coordinate the singing/playing of certain parts and the importance of "rehearsal Vs. practice" was not just bitching and moaning on my part: it was a threat, and a promise. Maybe it was just denial, not wanting to think about the fact that a "lowly sideman" (in his eyes) would step up and take his place. Maybe it was hubris and complacency. Maybe it was a lack of realization that he was as disposable as anyone else, I dunno'. The day after he was dismissed, and without a single "rehearsal", when we were playing a mid-week bike-night gig, I took over. I was already prepared to sing and play 80% of the set-list, so aside from leaving out a few songs I really didn't like having to play anyway, along with one or two that absolutely HAD to have two guitarists, we were just fine. In fact, folks who had never seen the band before didn't realize the performance wasn't as it had always been. Despite some really disturbing bromance drama which I won't go into detail about between Ben and the venue owner (who was strangely shook by us having fired his friend, obviously unaware of WHY because he wasn't told the whole story), the crowd was more than happy, and the night went over without a hitch. And remember those lyric sheets I've mentioned in previous blogs, which I was told that the "audience doesn't care about" and "doesn't pay any attention to"? Well, MORE THAN ONE person came up to shake my hand addressing my lack of any reference materials onstage (so....suck it, you fat greasy fuck). The night ended on a sour note when it was time to get paid, but the details are really unimportant, mental and petty at this point, but it involved the venue owner's personal feelings about his buddy having been dismissed from the band. We spent a day or two wondering what we could've done differently, but our concerns were completely erased the following Saturday night, when we played to a packed, eager house in downtown, this time with nothing but praise from not just the audience but the venue as well, full pay (without incident) from the management and the vindication of having justified our existence as-is. There were a couple of the band's longtime friends/fans who were confused (from us having kept the circumstances surrounding Ben's firing off the "official" blog/pages), and a little bummed at the loss of someone they had grown accustomed to, but that happens. The best you can do is prove the band is still strong, will continue on, and hope they give it a chance instead of writing it off because of some incorrect assumption or weird allegiance. It's a group. The group is NOT "this guy" or "that guy". It is a GROUP. And the collective comes first. Never forget that.

So ultimately, what I said in my previous blog was correct, and you had best be ready, willing and able should you have to step-up and do the job. Yes, it means a little more work, but at the trade-off of your actual stress level going down exponentially. I was ready, and did not let my bandmates or the audience down. I do not regret the decision, because when you give someone almost two years to learn songs, and several chances to stop embarrassing your band onstage, you've done your due diligence, as they say. No guilt at that point. I jumped in feet-first, kicked more ass than I have any business kicking, and was absolutely fine continuing on as a power-trio unless I happened to run across a rhythm guitarist who can also provide good enough backing vocals to make me want to hire on a fourth member.

This wasn't the only time I've had this kind of thing happen, but one of the most convoluted and comical. I mean, there was also the time back about 15 years ago when I was with another cover-band whose frontman got stumbling-drunk the last set after his "old lady" decided to bail with another cover-band front man and that dude's wife to go to HIS gig in a neighboring town (knowing her, presumably also to engage in some booger-sugar-and-threeway action with them as well before his gig) and he was feeling sorry for himself. I had to step up that night as well. Wildly enough, also a June gig. And then there was the time a shitty indie project I worked with was supposed to open for a band but at the last minute they decided they weren't going to headline, and stuck us in the headlining slot with only an hour's worth of material ready. Not only did I have to call out changes for a bunch of alternative covers we'd never played together to the drummer and bassist, but I also had to do lead vocals on almost all of them, because the singer (who I need to interject and note caused us to get poor responses from the audience AND blacklisted at that and another venue because of his inability to sing) didn't know them or couldn't sing them. One thing ALL of these examples have in common is that in every case, the vocalists blamed everything but themselves, and thought they were above the law--had any of the rest of us gotten too inebriated to perform and embarrassed the respective bands, we'd have been sacked on the spot. So it's NOT an isolated incident, my friends. If it happens once, it'll happen again. Watch out.

At the end of the day, always stick to your guns, and be ready when you have to pull the trigger. Most importantly, when you step up, eat it up. Revel in it. Don't give anyone any reason to doubt the band's decisions. And never renege. This is YOUR time. YOUR band, as much as anyone's. YOUR health. YOUR future. Own it. 

Power-Duos : We're "Bands" Too!

 

Much like saying that a DJ is NOT a "musician" and that "singers" who rely on auto-tune should be ran out of the village by a mob with torches and pitchforks to be forever shunned for their lack of musicianship and integrity, this blog will likely get under some folks' skin and I will be accused of "gatekeeping" or something. But fuck it. Call me what you will, but what you CAN'T call me is a "liar"...

Ever since just before the Revelator trainwreck imploded several years back, I've been focusing a lot of my original songwriting and performing energy on a "power-duo" format. In fact, the spark of interest of doing a power-duo came from that failed project, when I found myself having to come up with an interesting and plausible means of covering for our bassist at some live performances due to some scheduling issues--we didn't want to cancel the shows, and I really didn't want to have do them as acoustic shows, because I prefer playing electric. So I got to thinking about a few of the songs that had simpler bass guitar parts, and started coming up with ways that I could fake the bass guitar part along with what I'm playing on guitar.

I started doing some deep diving on bands that only had two members (a guitar player and a drummer), like Local H, The White Stripes, the flat Duo Jets and a couple others. But then I also had recently been turned on to the British group Royal Blood, featuring a bass player and drummer. In comparing Local H and Royal Blood, the formula is basically the same, except the instruments are reversed. In Local H, Scott Lucas uses a separate pickup mounted just underneath his lowest two or three strings and he runs a separate signal out to a different pedal board or whatever and into a bass rig, while still having the regular guitar pickup going to his guitar pedal board and into his guitar rig. I'm still not entirely sure if he uses some sort of octave effect to create a bass note, or if he just turns the bass frequencies up on the amp EQ, but in my head, I was thinking to myself that if I can somehow drop that signal an octave so that it's a legitimate bass note, it would sound pretty authentic. Even listening to some of the live performances by Local H, I can't quite figure out if he's actually doing a low octave on his bass, but that's the special sauce that I was going for. Royal Blood did the same thing, except for basically the guy just runs a stereo signal into two different setups, and he uses some effects that can not only create the octave higher, but in some cases also a fifth, so that it creates a power chord sound, and he runs that side into a guitar rig, while running his standard bass guitar signal into a bass rig. I also through a little bit of consideration in there for the Presidents of the United States of America, because between the two of them (Chris Ballew and whichever other guitarist was in the band at any given time), there are only five strings on the guitars in the entire band, one guy has two and the other has three, but aside from the higher octave third string, they're playing the same octave even, and they managed to make it sound huge. So I had a lot to consider and work with.

After I determined what songs we could still do if I could pull it off, I started getting into the mad scientist part of it. The first one I built was kind of roughly based on the Stratocaster that Scott Lucas plays sometimes with Local H, which had half of a Fender Precision Bass pick up mounted at an angle under the lower strings, ran to a separate jack (I would later refine this to a TRS cable, with the "tip" going from the guitar pickup to the guitar rig and the "ring" from the "bass" pickup to a bass rig thanks to a splitter I made in a pedal enclosure). The first setup I used for this purpose, I used a cheap little processor that I would set to a pitch shifting effect to get my low octave for my bass guitar sound, and then I would just run the guitar portion into a standard amp (later I moved to two dedicated small pedalboards with guitar and bass uses, respectively). It worked spectacularly, and we did a number of shows where nobody really gave any thought to the fact that we didn't have a bass player on stage with us. There were even a couple of bass guitarists in the audience at most of the shows, and they couldn't believe how decent it sounded. So we had our fix for when our bass player was out of town. And thus, the seed for me using the setup for my own music and performing was planted, fertilized and starting to sprout. It didn't sit well with Revelator's self-proclaimed "leader", and I believe that was one of the things that actually ended that project shortly thereafter...because, after all, he was allowed to collaborate and have several vanity projects going on at any given time, but Heaven forbid the rest of us do the same. Digressing...

To make it work and still sound like a full band, you have to abandon complex basslines and counter-melodies on guitar for the most part, and forget about any outrageous flashy guitar heroics, because you have to keep everything together since both guitar and bass are coming out of one instrument, but if you write songs or pick and choose covers that have no guitar solos or that something can be done in place of the guitar solo, or in those instances where, for example, I can pedal an open E or A string and play a solo on the other strings, and it works. Surprisingly well, actually. In my early days with Idle Minds in the early-to-mid '90s, our longest-serving bass player could play a root note and a couple of accents here and there but did not really know the fundamentals of bass guitar, and kept it largely very, very basic. Hell, even other working bands I gig with in most cases the bassist is not the most technically proficient bass player out there either. So again, expectations are low in that regard from both audiences and even with other musicians. With one or two exceptions, I've spent a lifetime trying to compensate for bass players who were just playing it safe and simple, so how was this any different? I would just dumb down the bass parts and simplify some of the guitar playing, or change some chord shapes or whatever, and basically, I just became literally almost every milquetoast bass and rhythm guitar player around here, but still better in some cases, and on one instrument to boot---so this never has, nor will it ever, just sound like "a guitar and drums but no bass". And doing a few little tricks here and there to show that I've got a little bit of a command of not just the instrument but also of the songs themselves definitely makes me stand out a little bit without looking like I'm trying to show off too much. Sometimes just being solid, consistent and relentless is the best way to "show off" anyway. But "what's the point?", you might be asking. 

I recently did a less-than-gratifying covers gig with my duo in a bar I play with another group (believe it or not, we've managed to come up with 4 hours of covers that sound pretty amazing as a two-piece), and I think a lot of why it didn't go as great as it could've was a mix of the regular-ol'-dive-bar-bullshit mentality and some folks confused by the format. I think we got some weird looks because there was just two of us and people were expecting something maybe lower-key, "chill" and did NOT expect us to sound like a full band ; that was literally one of the "complaints" from the bar manager: "loud as a full band"---I mean, thank you and all, but that's a problem WHY??? Did they WANT only the sparse, incomplete lo-fi sound of just a guitar, drums and vocals? I think that fucked with people, but I'm still not sure "why". I went into the gig thinking the average bar crowd wouldn't care about such things---after all, we were doing a handful of songs I've played in that very same bar with another group that always go over great, AND this is the same kind of audience who doesn't understand the ingredients to a band, or why asking a power-trio to play Chicago or Lynyrd Skynyrd songs (requiring keyboards, horns, multiple guitars, etc.) is kind of silly and inappropriate. So surely they'd appreciate two guys pulling off some familiar covers and sounding as good as (or better than) they typical shitty Friday night cover-band they're used to seeing. But for whatever reason, I believe this particular crowd had some preconceived notion that we would sound different, quieter or something. Okay, the night sucked, to be perfectly frank, from a double-booking debacle we encountered while setting up to the very last note. Even when we did some absolutely killer versions of some songs (especially in the second set, where we put our "A"-list stuff and after the mix was dialed-in), aside from a pocket of folks over at one table and a few dudes across the bar at another table, people were unresponsive. Uncomfortable silence. This was also the same venue that hosted acoustic duos and even a corny-as-FUCK duo featuring a literal karaoke singer, a dude with a guitar and a goddamned LAPTOP playing---no shit---PURCHASED BACKING TRACKS (not even backing tracks they recorded themselves). Yes, this venue let some act with a laptop that you would be mortified to host in your fucking living room for a New Year's party play there---and they were regular performers there---yet you put a competent guitarist/vocalist and drummer in there doing organic, fully-LIVE music and people act like we were violating some kind of sacred taboo. We even tried to keep the overall volume down in the first set (even had to be asked to turn the PA up a little, instead of down), but there was seemingly no way of pleasing this crowd.

We sounded every bit as good as a trio I also play with (and in a lot of cases, BETTER), and again, at least we're not in there doing some douchey double-acoustic-guitar "unplugged" performance or prancing around like a couple of poseurs to prerecorded backing tracks, so I think it came down to simply the audience's perception about what they were seeing and them believing it should've sounded less-full or somehow "not quite a much like a full band". I feel like this is strange, because audiences never seem to notice when a trio is doing music that usually features a second guitar, or keyboards, etc. They never seem to notice when you play a clean electric guitar where it should be an acoustic guitar. They often don't even notice glaring mistakes on an instrument or vocal (or forgotten lyric). Half the time people can't even distinguish the difference between "bass" or "lead" guitar. But I believe they let these things get a pass because they see what they think is a "full band" (i.e. "three or more people"), and it has nothing to do with the sound entering their ears at all (which is wild, particularly with "laptop as band member" thing). Their eyes had already made their minds up for them. 

Don't do that.

It's a crime to shortchange an honest live performance because it's not a format you're used to. Truth be told, if a musician is using a synth, or a bunch of pedals, it could be a one-person act---I'd even go so far as to say one of those semi-douchey looper pedal situations where the musician builds the song as they go, because at least they're creating all the sounds themselves---and that should suffice just fine for a Friday or Saturday night performance. Especially when it's a well-rehearsed performance with a good selection of songs. At least it's not a "DJ", right? And lookit, I'll even give a DJ a pass if they're truly making their own music (i.e. The Prodigy, Daft Punk) and put in the work themselves, and aren't just inserting pre-canned samples and noises into prepackaged loops/beats.

Listen with your ears, NOT with your eyes. Unless there's a goddamned laptop or iPad doing 90% of the performance. Then you can be utterly insulted that someone would think they're "entertaining" you by pressing "play" on their keyboard. But a couple guys making good, honest rock-n-roll racket? Give 'em a chance. They're as good as (or better than) any of the other milquetoast bands you go see at your local dive, so be cool.

Vinnie Vincent and the Two Million Dollar Album Nobody Wants...

 

Let me preface by saying I am an old-school KISS fan, because when I was a toddler in the late-70's, they were all over the place, and I still look back on some of their "big dumb rock songs" with adoration. As a guitarist, I learned many of my tricks and licks listening to those first several KISS records. I don't really care much for the post-70's stuff, but to each his own. To me, KISS was literally the same exact style of music as the Lynyrd Skynyrd crap my peers listened to, but more fun: riffs, rock shuffles, R&B-inspired basslines and silly lyrics. But KISS was a more entertaining band, and ultimately, had more songs that were worth a re-listen. I don't like the "Korporation" that the band became, but I am great at compartmentalization, so I can pretend the '73 to '82 KISS was a separate entity. That being said...

Sometimes you just feel embarrassed FOR someone. Case in point...

Ever since Ace Frehley (d.2025) started going on weird political rants during his band's live shows several years back, and capped-off last year with strange political theatrics by the remaining 3 original members of KISS for a photo-op and a grasp at relevance in the news, I had all but forgotten about the band's members during that bizarre period in the 80's when they shed their shock-rock image and went full glam/hair, forever alienating many fans of the group's campy, big, dumb rock-n-roll songwriting and stage theatrics. 

Eric Carr passed away over 30 years ago, Bruce Kulick has been out of active duty since they replaced him with former guitar-tech-turned-Ace-impersonator Tommy Thayer, and Eric Singer was the only consistent non-original member after the 90's-early-2000's reunion of the original four members ended. My guess is that with Paul and Gene being the "owners" of the trademark/corporation/whatever, the "sidemen" were not to draw too much attention to themselves. They were not much more than session players, hired to dress up, perform, collect their pittance and leave the press stuff to the boss(es). And then there's "Vinnie Vincent" (Vincent Cusano).

He joined the band on their last tour or so with a new makeup design ("the wizard" or "ankh warrior", depending on who you ask--either way, easily the least-imaginative design), and worked hard to be noticed as the little five-and-a-half-foot, nimble-fingered guitarist weaving in between Paul and Gene with his pointy guitar, playing in a completely different style (often OVERplaying) than the straightforward, sometimes-repetitive blues pentatonics Ace was known for. He was also around for that first tour after the band shed the comic book hero looks and switched to some of the most contradictory amalgams of hypermasculinity and cartoonish androgyny the "hair" genre would ever see. He butted heads with Stanley and Simmons over an employee agreement, and left the band mid-tour, replaced temporarily by Mark St. John (who also was not stylistically a good fit, and had to leave the band after a purported hand/arthritis issue (which later was found out to maybe be "something else", mysteriously enough). Vincent would, weird as it sounds, be hired from time to time to assist with songwriting, but never played with the band again. While some of his writing for the band was decent, a lot of it was schlocky and just BAD, as evidenced also in his songs written for his band, the Vinnie Vincent Invasion.

Vinnie disappeared for many years, but then around 2018, he started popping up on KISS Kruises and KISS Konventions and whatnot, hinting at a "new album" coming out (if I'm not mistaken, he's held onto calling it "Guitarmageddon" since even back then), featuring the "best rock songs in decades". He was the only KISS member who wouldn't get up and play onstage during these appearances, leading most people to think Vinnie had lost his ability to play altogether. He'd do a couple of halfassed, phoned-in sit-ins that ended up being filmed, but to say they were less-than-impressive is an understatement. In fact, due to his hairstyle, his wardrobe choices, his immaculate makeup and his increased tendency to behave more effeminately, there are still rumors going around that Vincent was also possibly about to come out as trans...and as you can imagine, the KISS fanbase was also split on that. Somehow, the guys who just couldn't put two-and-two together about Stanley's onstage prancing, primping, prissing and pouting also had strong feelings against this new Vinnie, who frankly, could pass for someone's Italian grandma at this point in every way. The rumors have never been confirmed or debunked, but that's not the most controversial thing. No, the problem now is this album, in both terms of its quality (or lack thereof), and this newest development.

Now's where I recommend that you read the article below, but DON'T listen to the song(s) just yet.

https://www.guitarworld.com/artists/music-releases/vinnie-vincent-guitarmageddon-two-million-dollars

Crazy, huh? TWO MILLION DOLLARS for an album that no record company wants (even SplitScreen Entertainment, who released a VVI "tribute" album 15 years or so ago, wouldn't touch it). I don't know what's more insane, the overall purchase price for the album, the purchase price per song, or the batshit loony "terms and conditions" the buyer would have to agree to. This shit is legit cuckoo as hell. What a way to ensure your new music is never heard again. No one is that big a fan of Vinnie to even ponder paying that kind of dough for an album of his, EVEN IF it didn't come with all the cringey stipulations.

I don't know if Vinnie owes some people a lot of money, has really got a bad problem with substances, is finally going through with some procedures, or is simply delusional, greedy and that pompous, but what a perplexing thing to do.

Okay, so you're probably thinking, cheesy title(s) aside, "no way is it REALLY that bad", or "you're being way too harsh", and to that I say: "Go for it."

Seriously. Go listen to "Ride the Serpent" [shudders]. See if you can make it past the first verse...if you can even tell where it begins or ends. I'm sorry it came to this, but you HAD to hear just how atrocious it was with your own ears.

That song alone sounds like there are literally four different songs just dumped into the same track. And this is supposed to be the "album" version. Ugh. REALLY? You can find many of the tracks in their 80's/90's "demo" versions on Youtube, and frankly, they're all horrible. I mean, what do you expect out of a song called "Heavy Metal Poontang" or "Cockteazer", really, but even if the "final" versions are mixed like "...Serpent", they will still be unlistenable. Because the "album mix" still sounds like it was recorded in an empty inground pool under a metal roof.

I hope Vinnie gets the help he obviously needs, and I will make a solemn vow here that when I win the Powerball/Mega-Millions lottery, I will use some of my winnings to purchase this work (I will offer much less, but I guarantee you he will take it), and I will see that it is thoroughly destroyed by sending it on a rocket straight into the sun. That will be my gift to mankind.