Removing Dead Weight Pt3 : Parting is Such Sweet---er...no, it isn’t... - Mentally Preparing for "Mandatory Band Membership Restructuring” and Dealing with the Fallout

 

In this final part to the "Dead Weight Trilogy", I'm just going to give you a little encouragement, advice and motivation to act on what you know needs to be done now. 

As someone who has been on both sides of the cheesy soap-opera called "the firing of a bandmate" at one point or another throughout the years (literally only once having been fired, but still, it DID happen that time), I can confirm that it's rarely pretty. Most of the time, the individual being dismissed is the only one in the band who didn't see it coming. And it’s no secret that musicians, in general, can be some of the most needy, melodramatic and petty people on the planet, which leads to "complications" in situations that should be cut-and-dry. I have always said semi-jokingly that the one thing that might make me just quit playing music altogether one day is...well..."musicians".

When someone becomes a liability, it's time to act. It's no longer a time to "talk" to deaf ears about a problem that will not simply go away (or to repeat one’s self for the Nth time expecting the individual to straighten up “this time”). And no one is a "jerk" or "asshole" because they don't let someone else embarrass them, or because they refuse to let someone disrespect them and waste their time. No one is “unreasonable” for holding another to the same standard of courtesy, priority, work ethic and respect he/she holds him-/herself to. It's NOT out-of-bounds for you to be dismissed from a band because you aren't a good fit, aren't bringing enough to the table or aren't truly carrying your own weight. No one is so special or so talented that they should get a pass, and odds are, if you're "in between bands", it's not your first rodeo. And my heart goes out to people backed into the corner who are forced to have to restructure their band, even if it was under amicable circumstances, because it's never a walk in the park. But often, the more urgency in play, the less-amicable the inevitable split will be, and there's just no easy way. Well, the actual dismissal part is as simple as you want it to be--could be a call, a text, an email or a band meeting. Just have your facts in your corner, say what you need to say and done. For the recipient of the proverbial eviction notice though, the feelings could vary from relief with a side of restrained jubilation (like the time I was let go from a band) all the way to psychotic rage. You might get lucky and have a "healthy breakup" with said member (now-former-member), but always be prepared to see that person's absolute worst come out. If the person is a levelheaded, reasonable person, you might just get a little snarkiness or attitude, but if he/she is a mercurial or eccentric individual, things could get nasty.

Regardless, if you've reached the point where your working relationship is no longer productive or enjoyable, something must be done. 9 out of 10 times, there will be more than one band member who wants to see the problematic bandmate shown the exit. But in that rare case where you're the only one, be objective and ask yourself if it might be an issue with yourself more than anything. You might be able to compartmentalize and work around it provided the band is flourishing, the gigs are rewarding/lucrative and you otherwise like the band or the music you're playing. But I can tell you from experience (and as you've seen in my previous blog), there are just some personality types that don't make for good bandmate material. If they make you dread performing, rehearsals, songwriting sessions, etc., they're sapping your mojo, and something's got to give, even if that means you have to recuse yourself from the band in the event that the rest of the band gets on well, leaving you the odd-man-out. Never disregard the fact that there WILL be a reaction from the fired member, one way or the other...it just depends on their personality and mental health stability how reactive they'll be.

From the perspective of the now-bandless party, when it comes to life in general, owning up to a mistake, bad life choice or failure to do one's job reliably/consistently is never an easy task, but it's more honorable and truthful than pretending you “don't know what went wrong”, or even worse, trying to convince anyone who’ll listen that it's simply some mere coincidence or conspiracy and that everyone’s just out to get you. Not saying that sometimes the conspiracy paranoia isn't dead on the money (I've seen it firsthand), but that's the less-frequent scenario. So BE OBJECTIVE. When it comes to being excused from a band, it's disingenuous and atrocious for someone to go through extraneous efforts to try to convince their entourage and acquaintances that it was somehow ANYONE else’s fault but their own, but the fact remains that everyone else in the band voted to sack them. Whether unanimously or by majority-rule, you're out, and be truthful about why, no matter how hurt your feelings might be over it. It will save you embarrassment, and keep you from being "that guy" who spreads disinformation gaslighting the people who collectively decided they didn't want to work with you anymore.

But it happens, even when dealing with musicians well into middle age who, based on my personal experience, are often surprisingly far worse than people half their age when it comes to band (and personal) drama. And it's especially infuriating when you (as a remaining member of a band dismissing a problem child) take the high road and keep the "official" word diplomatic, respectful and vague in the name of helping to protect the reputation of someone who probably doesn't actually deserve it (Hi again, Ben!), only to find out that he/she in turn has slandered and defamed you and your group, played victim to whomever will listen, talking trash because he/she has absolutely nothing better to do and no other reason to exist. When he/she resorts to outright LIES to vilify their former bandmates, it speaks louder and more negatively about his/her own character than anyone else's in the group, that he/she feels such insecurity or jealousy that they must try to discredit others in a vain attempt to raise themselves up a little, and you need to remember that ultimately, karma will prevail. When the folks attending the pity-party aren't hearing "all the details", and are only hearing this one story from an individual who has a desperate, vested interest in making sure people believe his/her side of the story over the painful truth, accountability is absent and becomes irrelevant. And those people don't realize they're being played (victimized) in the process also, adding insult to injury in the end. Unfortunately, this is a very real possibility that you need to be prepared for, just in case. 

For the band's fans, friends, hangers-on and such, sure, there are always "two sides to the story", just make sure you hear both of those sides so you can decide objectively which party is truly at fault. Keep in mind that the band as a collective decided to fire the member, and it's more often than not for very legitimate reasons, despite what the disgruntled individual may want friends/associates/random strangers to believe. Simple personality conflicts or clashes in chemistry between a couple members rarely (if ever) end in the band firing either member, as usually one or the other will simply quit on their own, done deal. So if someone tells you an outrageously vague story about how he/she was just "for whatever (unknown) reason" suddenly and unexpectedly let go from their musical project by all its other members as a band decision, you might want to inquire deeper before judging the multiple people who made this collective choice in direction. Odds are, the majority parties have a perfectly logical reason, or were actually just trying to not only protect their own integrity by not being melodramatic about it, but also are protecting friends/fans/YOU from awful performances or watching band drama unfold. It's your responsibility to make sure you are informed if you're going to take a "side" on a matter like this, or MOST IMPORTANTLY: you need to ask yourself why you are thought so little of that you are being coerced into taking sides in the first place, and why he/she is so intent that you believe what he/she wants you to believe blindly. So the next time a salty person who's been handed his/her walking papers by their band tells you someone/everyone else is “difficult” or “hard to work with”, or that the parties being insulted are “jerks” or “assholes”, make sure you grill the butthurt accuser a little. Ask them why. Ask for examples. And demand the truth. If they won’t give it to you, or their explanations don’t add up, I’m sure their former bandmates would be more than glad to educate you in the matter and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to clear up any falsehoods. Also ask yourself, why is this person exerting energy being a negative twat instead of forming his/her own new musical project? Perhaps he/she has trouble finding musicians willing to gamble on his/her sobriety, personality and reliability? There’s a reason the band who axed him/her is still getting by just fine in his/her absence or possibly even has improved overall without the hindrances. So think about that while you’re listening to the next round of whining and moaning before forming a conclusive opinion.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be whiny washout weekend warrior rockstar-wannabes. Or at least make sure if they do end up as such, that they can take their licks when their irresponsibility comes back to bite them, and will act like an adult about it when it does. And musicians, word gets around when you act a fool and spread BS. So act your age, PLEASE! You're making the rest of us look bad, and not for the reason you intended!!!

So I Hear You Have Dead-Weight in Your Band : Recognizing the Problem

Has lyrics and chords...still forgets lyrics and chords...

On a recent thread I saw, a participant wrote in asking about something most people in a band will have to face at some point or another: how to get rid of a member that is holding you back or robbing you of your enjoyment in general. 

He wrote:

I am finding myself in a tricky situation. I want to "fire" my singer, but in a way that a bit more delicate. The problem is that he and the drummer seem to be really good friends, and I dont want to loose the drummer. He is a good guy, but cant seem to create any original vocal melodies\lyrics. He has been using the same melody lines for the last 3-4 songs, and parts of the same lyrics for a few songs. One time he accidently sent me some demos from another band he is in, and he is using the same melodies\lyrics for those too. it's like he only can only play one chord on the guitar.

Wow. Been there, done that. More times than I care to admit. Since my beginnings in my teens up through my 40's, it seems this always finds a way to rear its ugly head. I responded to the OP as follows:

I've been in a very similar situation more than once, and it always sucks. It's one of the primary reasons I stopped working with "singers/vocalists" who don't play an instrument as an active contributor in the band in ANY capacity (originals OR covers), and a perfect example of literally every "original material" wannabe-frontperson I've EVER worked with (and hence why I don't work with them either). 

With my hired-gun cover-band gigs, I've occasionally worked as just a support musician, if the money is right. It was never "worth it", let's get that part out of the way, but at least I have to compensated to enough of a degree that it's worth my time. After firing the "singer and occasional guitarist" from one of the cover-bands I work with back in 2018, my price for working with a "frontperson" instead of co-fronting or just fronting the band myself has gone up--I call it my "cost of living" increase. We fired that guy (Hi, Ben!) for a number of reasons:

- He could not perform without a full-on binder of lyrics/notes on a stand in front of him (later an iPad, but still), even for songs he'd been playing/singing for decades (I find when the person who wants to be noticed most in a band has to have a reference source available for almost EVERY song it shows an embarrassing lack of skill and professionalism, especially when...

- He drank a lot (in spite of health issues that would keep most sensible people from drinking to begin with), to the point where by middle of the first set, he was buzzed, and by mid-second-set, he was utterly plowed. This was especially annoying when he was also too drunk to read all of his cheat material, and he ended up screwing up/missing parts anyway on both his vocals and his now-out-of-tune guitar that he was too inebriated to tune.

- He started getting cringily political and weird (pro tip: don't bring up your personal politics in your band when you already know your opinions and ideologies clash significantly with other members, unless you want it causing unnecessary stress and tension and you're low-key wanting to cut ties anyway).  

- He strutted around at every gig (and OUTSIDE of gigs), despite his embarrassing failures to fulfill his duties, chest puffed-out, acting like some rock god, and it got more annoying with every beer or shot, seemingly oblivious that without a solid group behind him, he'd literally just be a drunk karaoke hack.

- He had a weird combination of goofy "alpha" mentality and imposter syndrome. In other words, he often tried to nose-in on everything and wanted to be considered "the leader" while doing the least amount of work, and would contradict himself by showing how actually insecure he was as a human being. It was a bizarre mix of personalities.

- The last straw was at a gig where, I kid you not, he got too drunk early into the middle set to play, started slurring and just not singing at all, and I finished out the set fronting the band. Immediately thereafter, he literally decided to lie across the table in front of the "stage" area and proceeded to pass out. The drummer and I gave the bassist an ultimatum, he'd have to fire his frontman and we continue on as a trio, or we walked and they'd be replacing half their band. He was gone the next day.

It didn't stop the fat POS from talking smack about us for a few years to come and trying to get us blacklisted at our normal haunts for 'doing him wrong' (WTF, really?), but when you're dealing with people from certain demographics who have certain personality defects, you learn to not be "shocked" when they act like spoiled 7 year olds. And then there was the more recent falling out with an original music collaborator...

I worked for many years with a guy I'd known all the way back in elementary school, a guy who was big into indie music, always wished he was in an indie band like some of us he knew from school, and after doing "a lot of karaoke" when he was stationed in Japan, he decided he wanted to form a group of his own (yes, that was his "resume" for starting a band). Long story short, it was mostly an online collaboration that eventually became a performing situation with some guys I helped round up, but it wasn't well-received. For 95% of the recorded material, I wrote, arranged and performed all the instruments, and this guy (who we'll call "John") only wrote lyrics and "sang". His vocal range was almost nonexistent and I tried (but failed) to push him to better his skills--fine for indie shows to an extent but NOT for legitimate venues. In addition to lacking vocal skills, he had the same issues your guy has: no creativity when creating melodies, and his lyrics were either directly recycled from previous ones or were thematically the same as the others, often with the exact same terminology/verbiage even. Things came to a crash and burn because we had a couple bad shows (one in particular was NOT well-received, with the booking person citing his vocals as "f*cking awful" and saying "as long as he's singing, we can't have you back"), and I believe what finally got through to him was when John submitted one of our songs (the music of which was kind of like Audioslave, very groovy and strong--but lacking of those piercing, strong Chris Cornell style vocals, of course) to a local station's morning show where they listened to local groups and critiqued their music. Our track got the longest airtime to date because they liked the music portion, but they were brutal about how bad the vocals sucked. John had taken it upon himself to be the sole person on the phone with them (as usual, us "auxiliary musicians" were not required--or welcome, evidently--for PR), and they didn't realize they were talking to the crappy vocalist who they said essentially robbed the otherwise-killer-song of its thunder until the end of the conversation. John spent a few weeks in denial about their "taste in music" or whatever made him sleep better at night, but he's a smart guy and I believe he knew deep down that he was not the indie hero he wanted to think he was, nor was he considered "good enough" to front an actual band. The drummer (who works with me in our power-duo to this day) backed out the next month, and John decided not to go on with the band. The way he went about it, and started showing resentment towards my power-duo project, he burned this bridge permanently. He's tried to reach out, re-friend me on social media and presumably needs help again, but I refuse to acknowledge or respond. Last I heard, he was working with some "DJ" guy who makes songs with looped beats and random samples, and I affectionately refer to them as "TiT" (Two Inch Tacks). 

Sorry to be so verbose here, I just wanted to give some personal examples to show I know exactly what you're going through, and hopefully to demonstrate that what you DON'T want to do is have this person's attitude, laziness, incompetence, hubris or lack of ability to hold you back OR cause your band to eventually implode. If you have an otherwise cohesive, strong band, having one person drag it all down makes for a miserable time. A few things to think about...

Yeah, he MIGHT be close with the drummer, but that's not unusual for a couple of folks in a band to be a little more buddy-buddy than the others. In the cover-band I mentioned earlier, we had to replace our drummer (amicably, as the previous drummer was moving to go be with his family), and out of the trio, the bassist and new drummer are friends who live near each other, while I'm a half hour away and I don't go to the pub with them or hang out. Fun fact: the frontman we fired was really close with the bassist too though, however, when pressed to lose the rest of the band or lose the guy who was an obvious problem, he chose to let his friend go who was holding the band back. In an events band I am an ongoing member in, the keyboardist and bassist are longtime friends who hang out all the time, but the drummer and I don't hang out with them outside the band. So don't worry about that. 

The best thing you can do is have a "band meeting" sans the vocalist and let your feelings be known. Back up your opinions with examples (the more facts, evidence and examples you can provide, the more likely you are to get a positive outcome). Discuss how important the group is to you and what you hope to achieve, and tell them the only reason you're even thinking about a member adjustment is because you want to see progress and have success in one way or another with the band. Tell them how strong you think their contributions are and how strong the band can be with the right frontperson (one who earns his/her keep and actually has some creativity). Bring to light the dude's other band's demo you heard where he's using the same melodies/lyrics and use that as a means to take the angle of him maybe focusing on that band, since that's where his creativity lies (which is true, since he hasn't come up with anything unique or original with your group). Let's consider best- and worst-case-scenarios.

Worst-case-scenario, the drummer takes offense at you daring to want to sack his buddy, and you're forced to find another drummer (which is a pain, I know that drummers are the hardest instrumentalists to find in most instances). But cup-half-full, you're no longer held back by someone else and you'll eventually find someone whose allegiances are to the greater good.

Best-case-scenario, he listens, agrees that the singer is the weakest-link and you guys amicably dismiss the singer to go spend fulltime with his other band (again, tell him he is a better fit for them and it's not doing you OR him any favors for him to stay with you), and you guys keep working on material. I GUARANTEE you that you will not have a lot of trouble finding a singer/frontperson, because they, like "guitarists" are the most plentiful out there, and there's ALWAYS another one around the corner, a stone's throw away. Now, you might need to go through a few auditions to make sure the chemistry is good AND that the new person has some creativity when it comes to lyrical and melodic contributions. There's ALSO the possibility that going the trio route might be an option, don't write that off. But if you need a 4th member, just make sure they're doing what you need, and aren't just looking for a band to make them look good.

It's NEVER "fun" having to change band members, whether it's amicable or under duress, but if you approach the drummer right, despite his relationship with the singer, he will listen to the rational explanation as to how you came to your decision. And either way, you can't simply continue on like you're doing now, because  you're not happy or making progress, and I can assure you that life is too short to go on like that. You got this.

And that applies to anyone else out there going through a similar conundrum. I've been around long enough and have gone through this many times, and I can tell you DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE trying to work with any project that doesn't bring you either artistic satisfaction OR financial compensation worthwhile of your contributions/commitment. Respect yourself and make yourself happy, first and foremost!