Removing Dead Weight Pt3 : Parting is Such Sweet---er...no, it isn’t... - Mentally Preparing for "Mandatory Band Membership Restructuring” and Dealing with the Fallout

 

In this final part to the "Dead Weight Trilogy", I'm just going to give you a little encouragement, advice and motivation to act on what you know needs to be done now. 

As someone who has been on both sides of the cheesy soap-opera called "the firing of a bandmate" at one point or another throughout the years (literally only once having been fired, but still, it DID happen that time), I can confirm that it's rarely pretty. Most of the time, the individual being dismissed is the only one in the band who didn't see it coming. And it’s no secret that musicians, in general, can be some of the most needy, melodramatic and petty people on the planet, which leads to "complications" in situations that should be cut-and-dry. I have always said semi-jokingly that the one thing that might make me just quit playing music altogether one day is...well..."musicians".

When someone becomes a liability, it's time to act. It's no longer a time to "talk" to deaf ears about a problem that will not simply go away (or to repeat one’s self for the Nth time expecting the individual to straighten up “this time”). And no one is a "jerk" or "asshole" because they don't let someone else embarrass them, or because they refuse to let someone disrespect them and waste their time. No one is “unreasonable” for holding another to the same standard of courtesy, priority, work ethic and respect he/she holds him-/herself to. It's NOT out-of-bounds for you to be dismissed from a band because you aren't a good fit, aren't bringing enough to the table or aren't truly carrying your own weight. No one is so special or so talented that they should get a pass, and odds are, if you're "in between bands", it's not your first rodeo. And my heart goes out to people backed into the corner who are forced to have to restructure their band, even if it was under amicable circumstances, because it's never a walk in the park. But often, the more urgency in play, the less-amicable the inevitable split will be, and there's just no easy way. Well, the actual dismissal part is as simple as you want it to be--could be a call, a text, an email or a band meeting. Just have your facts in your corner, say what you need to say and done. For the recipient of the proverbial eviction notice though, the feelings could vary from relief with a side of restrained jubilation (like the time I was let go from a band) all the way to psychotic rage. You might get lucky and have a "healthy breakup" with said member (now-former-member), but always be prepared to see that person's absolute worst come out. If the person is a levelheaded, reasonable person, you might just get a little snarkiness or attitude, but if he/she is a mercurial or eccentric individual, things could get nasty.

Regardless, if you've reached the point where your working relationship is no longer productive or enjoyable, something must be done. 9 out of 10 times, there will be more than one band member who wants to see the problematic bandmate shown the exit. But in that rare case where you're the only one, be objective and ask yourself if it might be an issue with yourself more than anything. You might be able to compartmentalize and work around it provided the band is flourishing, the gigs are rewarding/lucrative and you otherwise like the band or the music you're playing. But I can tell you from experience (and as you've seen in my previous blog), there are just some personality types that don't make for good bandmate material. If they make you dread performing, rehearsals, songwriting sessions, etc., they're sapping your mojo, and something's got to give, even if that means you have to recuse yourself from the band in the event that the rest of the band gets on well, leaving you the odd-man-out. Never disregard the fact that there WILL be a reaction from the fired member, one way or the other...it just depends on their personality and mental health stability how reactive they'll be.

From the perspective of the now-bandless party, when it comes to life in general, owning up to a mistake, bad life choice or failure to do one's job reliably/consistently is never an easy task, but it's more honorable and truthful than pretending you “don't know what went wrong”, or even worse, trying to convince anyone who’ll listen that it's simply some mere coincidence or conspiracy and that everyone’s just out to get you. Not saying that sometimes the conspiracy paranoia isn't dead on the money (I've seen it firsthand), but that's the less-frequent scenario. So BE OBJECTIVE. When it comes to being excused from a band, it's disingenuous and atrocious for someone to go through extraneous efforts to try to convince their entourage and acquaintances that it was somehow ANYONE else’s fault but their own, but the fact remains that everyone else in the band voted to sack them. Whether unanimously or by majority-rule, you're out, and be truthful about why, no matter how hurt your feelings might be over it. It will save you embarrassment, and keep you from being "that guy" who spreads disinformation gaslighting the people who collectively decided they didn't want to work with you anymore.

But it happens, even when dealing with musicians well into middle age who, based on my personal experience, are often surprisingly far worse than people half their age when it comes to band (and personal) drama. And it's especially infuriating when you (as a remaining member of a band dismissing a problem child) take the high road and keep the "official" word diplomatic, respectful and vague in the name of helping to protect the reputation of someone who probably doesn't actually deserve it (Hi again, Ben!), only to find out that he/she in turn has slandered and defamed you and your group, played victim to whomever will listen, talking trash because he/she has absolutely nothing better to do and no other reason to exist. When he/she resorts to outright LIES to vilify their former bandmates, it speaks louder and more negatively about his/her own character than anyone else's in the group, that he/she feels such insecurity or jealousy that they must try to discredit others in a vain attempt to raise themselves up a little, and you need to remember that ultimately, karma will prevail. When the folks attending the pity-party aren't hearing "all the details", and are only hearing this one story from an individual who has a desperate, vested interest in making sure people believe his/her side of the story over the painful truth, accountability is absent and becomes irrelevant. And those people don't realize they're being played (victimized) in the process also, adding insult to injury in the end. Unfortunately, this is a very real possibility that you need to be prepared for, just in case. 

For the band's fans, friends, hangers-on and such, sure, there are always "two sides to the story", just make sure you hear both of those sides so you can decide objectively which party is truly at fault. Keep in mind that the band as a collective decided to fire the member, and it's more often than not for very legitimate reasons, despite what the disgruntled individual may want friends/associates/random strangers to believe. Simple personality conflicts or clashes in chemistry between a couple members rarely (if ever) end in the band firing either member, as usually one or the other will simply quit on their own, done deal. So if someone tells you an outrageously vague story about how he/she was just "for whatever (unknown) reason" suddenly and unexpectedly let go from their musical project by all its other members as a band decision, you might want to inquire deeper before judging the multiple people who made this collective choice in direction. Odds are, the majority parties have a perfectly logical reason, or were actually just trying to not only protect their own integrity by not being melodramatic about it, but also are protecting friends/fans/YOU from awful performances or watching band drama unfold. It's your responsibility to make sure you are informed if you're going to take a "side" on a matter like this, or MOST IMPORTANTLY: you need to ask yourself why you are thought so little of that you are being coerced into taking sides in the first place, and why he/she is so intent that you believe what he/she wants you to believe blindly. So the next time a salty person who's been handed his/her walking papers by their band tells you someone/everyone else is “difficult” or “hard to work with”, or that the parties being insulted are “jerks” or “assholes”, make sure you grill the butthurt accuser a little. Ask them why. Ask for examples. And demand the truth. If they won’t give it to you, or their explanations don’t add up, I’m sure their former bandmates would be more than glad to educate you in the matter and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to clear up any falsehoods. Also ask yourself, why is this person exerting energy being a negative twat instead of forming his/her own new musical project? Perhaps he/she has trouble finding musicians willing to gamble on his/her sobriety, personality and reliability? There’s a reason the band who axed him/her is still getting by just fine in his/her absence or possibly even has improved overall without the hindrances. So think about that while you’re listening to the next round of whining and moaning before forming a conclusive opinion.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be whiny washout weekend warrior rockstar-wannabes. Or at least make sure if they do end up as such, that they can take their licks when their irresponsibility comes back to bite them, and will act like an adult about it when it does. And musicians, word gets around when you act a fool and spread BS. So act your age, PLEASE! You're making the rest of us look bad, and not for the reason you intended!!!

Old Habits Die Hard (or...Not At All): The Recent Incident That Got Me Thinking About "Band Hierarchies" Again

 

Recently I've had the concept of "band hierarchies" weighing on my soul, and I'm going to do a couple different blogs next go around addressing that very subject. But let me first explain why this subject is so relevant and important to me at this particular juncture, and provide a "case study". Maybe you can relate, or maybe you'll just pity me. Or at the very least have a laugh at my expense for having put myself into such a ridiculous position of dealing with yet another overly-dramatic scenario that could've been avoided with the easiest word in any language: "no".

Towards the end of 2024, I was approached by a certain "songsmith"---okay, I just have to stop it there and say, that has to be hands-down one of the goofiest, cringiest, most pompous and self-absorbed, nonsensical, supercilious and self-appointed "titles" I've ever heard of. It might be amusing if used in a tongue-in-cheek fashion, but when it's a mantle one truly feels strongly about and takes as serious as the proverbial heart attack...ugh. Ew. What? Anyhow, digressing...

So I was approached by this individual with whom I'd worked previously and who in the past had shown a great deal of overconfidence in his "songsmithing"---no, fuck it, I'm NOT going to use that stupid word any more than necessary---"songwriting" and perceived relevance (prior to becoming a pariah blacklisted from some venues and the scene in general). He was coming out of a hiatus and exodus brought on by a string of incidents with an ex-girlfriend who had accused him of stalking, threatening and harassing her, resulting in charges, an arrest and a shitload of embarrassment among the local scene. We had worked on a project from, I want to say, late 2017 or so through 2019, when the shit hit the fan with his relationship shenanigans and the rest of us in the band backed off, as he was having to essentially go into hiding, and the rest of us didn't want to jeopardize our reputations and risk also being banned from playing venues due to our association with him. Honestly, I figured I'd never hear from him again, and hoped he was getting the help he needed.

When he resurfaced, there was a lot of back-and-forth about random music stuff (mostly "gear talk"), some exchange of personal experiences since last we really spoke, and that was about it. Then he started talking about possibly moving back up to the Upstate and becoming active in music again. I was approached indirectly (sheepishly, almost) on several occasions about being a part of it, and I was careful not to give any impression of a commitment until I made sure he wasn't a straight-up liability anymore. For the most part, aside from some---we'll just say---"quirkiness" that I just associated with his personality he seemed like he was a bit more focused, a little more chill and a tad less flaky. At least at first. Later on he'd ask me some kind of out-there questions, about "producing" his material, and fishing harder to see if I'd help him out with a new "band". I had my reservations, and felt I already had closure to that chapter, having gone out of my way to apologize for maybe handling his previous situation a little more coldly and less-friend-like than I could've, and I was at peace. So I was neither here nor there on the matter.

I finally caved and agreed to be a part of his "new" project, mainly because he was bringing on board a drummer who I enjoyed playing with, who I felt could help with the levity and to maintain a positive atmosphere. I came in under the ruse of it being a "band", and I presumed that would mean we would work as a TEAM. Honestly, I am ashamed to have thought it would be different from last time, but I believe in second chances (just ask my serial-adulteress ex-wife..."ba-dump-tsssssss"), so I tried to be skeptically optimistic. In the group chat he shared his first three song demos for us to learn, and when we showed up to the first "jam"/"rehearsal" in January of this year, it went surprisingly smooth. We offered some suggestions to add some length to a couple of the barely-2-minute songs (as the author himself stated they were unfinished and "fluid"), and to create dynamics, and they were accepted without any fuss. Second get-together was the same thing: 3 songs were uploaded and learned, and another productive "jam". That's when it all went down the shitter...

For a lack of a better explanation, I had come to the conclusion that a "test" was needed once the second session went well---ironically just before said individual started talking about [paying for] studio time to record a couple songs. I figured I'd proved my value in the group, and one way to confirm that this band would be a healthy, constructive democracy was to submit some of my own songs. I DID, after all, have a handful that'd fit the "Americana"-ish format, having spent ten years in a roots-rock/Americans/"alt-country" group. Either it would be accepted and we'd proceed forward, or it would cause waves because said person didn't want to share the creative reins (which was my gut suspicion). Seeing as how I didn't push back on the "plan" (as I knew it, at least) or the godawful choice of a band name, I figured so far I'd been amenable and pretty cool. At first it seemed like he had turned over a new leaf and was in fact glad to have the contributions, but then shit started getting uncomfortable. REALLY uncomfortable.

Beginning with strange indirectness of questions/comments a few days before the next rehearsal, he began lecturing me about wanting everyone to have a "voice" (irony about to unveil itself) while also telling me that I shouldn't be "married to" my completed, finished compositions--translation: "I'm not comfortable playing anything other than G, C and D chords, and don't really want to invest in learning your material." Keep in mind that they were supposed to have learned my songs I submitted for this next rehearsal, and I have to also note that I afforded him/them a luxury not given to anyone else during the first two rounds of learning his material: I was asked for, and thus provided, cheat sheets, giving everyone every chord needed, divided up by sections (verse, chorus, bridge, etc), in hopes that it would expedite their learning processes, and would prevent the "I couldn't quite figure that part out" that would've inevitably happened had I not. I felt like it was lazy as fuck for him to ask for the notes instead of actually figuring it out like I/we did for his music, but whatevs. To me, there was little room left for interpretation, and these were polished, finished songs. I left it with me telling him I am always open to discussion about why someone thinks something's not working or needs something else, but I don't want to repeat past annoyances where I come to find out it's apathy or laziness driving said suggestions; I'm pretty sure I struck a nerve by hitting the nail right on the head. 

Then came am awkward debate wherein the guy with the improperly-grounded Rickenbacker noise-polluting rehearsals with his buzzing and humming---seriously, turn the goddamned thing down when you're trying to discuss stuff and aren't playing or at least keep your hand on the neck to ground it a little---and his ice-picky brittle tone, wants to critique my guitar tone, telling me he wanted to "dial it back on the distortion". Hold up. 

Now's where I tell you that I in fact was using no distortion, and was literally using a LOW-gain, Dumble-style overdrive pedal; a Sonicake"Twiggy Blues"---less "overdrive" than a Tube Screamer or BluesBreaker pedal. See, he had this harebrained idea---nay, "obsession"---that this band was to be this "totally new and fresh concept" [yes, I am being sarcastic...AF] featuring "rOcK wItH cLeAn GuItArS" (also referred to as "sCrApPy GuItArS", whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...lol). No, it's not REALLY anything exciting, fresh, new, original or even "rare"---just flip on your 98.5 FM radio here in the Upstate to get an earful of current "alternative", "indie" and "rock" which features mostly un-overdriven, clean guitar sounds. Or listen to the Cure. The Smiths. Tom Petty. R.E.M. The Violent Femmes. Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet. The Jayhawks. I could name fifty pop, Americana or "rock" groups who featured a "clean electric guitar" as their focal-point to their sound.

Anyhow, there was a complete dismissal of any commentary I came back with, where I mentioned being fine with compromising by demonstrating why his suggestion might not be "the" answer BUT I also wanted to explore the EQ on both our guitars. After he said "nah, 'we're' just going to dial it back" [translation: "fuck all that what you just said"], I decided to withhold my natural reaction to call him a cunt, tell him to choke on a dick and instead took a 4 day break from all communications, to gather my thoughts and figure out what it all meant. Regardless, it was presented to me like it was something revolutionary and never done before, and it was insisted that this was not optional. Yeah, bye, bitch.

None of those things ever were resolved, and when I started responding (and addressing the shittiness) he went on a classic gaslighting tirade and then hit me with this sudden feigned "concern" over my availability for gigs due to my membership in other active musical projects, which is something discussed and worked out before I ever even agreed to join in his latest vanity project. 

That was my last straw, and I confronted him about it, because it quickly added up: not wanting to share creative credit, wanting to be a bully about changing others' "voices" (this is the irony I said would unveil itself) despite previous lectures, and now looking for something to bitch about with whether or not I'd be at his beck and call for shitty free or low-pay gigs so he could get stage time (despite the likelihood that he'd struggle with bookings due to his bad decisions and police record as a dangerous stalker). Clearly at this point, the so-called "artist" was "threatened" by another creative force in "his" band, and they (I) had to go, one way or another. I made it easy for him by sticking to my laurels, and was promptly, within minutes,  booted from the group chat in order to keep the details of our argument from being found out by the remaining sidemen. I reached out to one in order to warn him of what happened and to just watch his back, but the other was a friend of the individual going farther back, so I didn't bother out of an understanding that the well was likely already poisoned there.

I'm fairly skilled at a few things. Holding grudges. Witty retorts. Observation. Narration. Healthily expressing my discontent so I don't end up on the news. And writing catchy songs as a vehicle for all of the above. What better outlet for saying things that need to be said, anger that needs venting, and maybe even some good old fashioned "public service announcements" to warn unsuspecting people of things to watch out for than a memorable little ditty?

I decided I'd practice a little "living well is the best revenge" exercise a couple days later when I released a song I'd written, recorded and mixed in just over 3 hours online. I called it "BEDWETTER", because it describes his energy AND rhymes with his last name, and that definitely got in his gooch nice and propa', calling him out on his egotism and his cartoonish hokeyness. He was none too pleased feigning victimhood and beseeching me to not "attack [his] art". I told him to fuck off, clarified what a coward he was and proceeded to block him on social media, as he is dead to me for all intents and purposes, but I know his personality all too well now, and even as I type this a month after the fact, I am confident he just had another random thought run through his head about my audaciousness in daring to stand up for myself, not letting HIM play victim AND by making a public spectacle out of him in a parody diss-track that would only be the first of several dedicated in his "honor". Some might ask, "why go through so much trouble"? Simple: when someone tries to silence and censor you, it sparks a fire. You don't get to do someone wrong, tell them how to feel, and then expect them to fade like a fart in the wind. Period. And let me also say, it really wasn't much work, as I drew from the same milquetoast, predictable "formula" as the songs in that project, so we're talking what, 3 or 4 chords? The lyrics flowed right out almost real-time as I decided to stick to a conventional, unimaginative chord progression (not unlike his own work), and as it was about 2 and a half minutes long, a couple guitar and vocal overdubs, and a trip behind the drum kit was all it took. The entire recording process too less than an hour, start to finish. What I'm sure also burned the egomaniac a little was that my song was far more catchy and memorable than any of his weird songs about esotericism and drugs. And most importantly: I did it all (and the ones to follow) using this "clean (s)crappy guitars" formula that he was so fixated on, and I did it BETTER. Not to mention while he was still discussing going in the studio to record his songs, mine were already hitting the web. If he'd have put aside the ego a little, OUR songs could've been released and out there floating around. But instead, I'm now on my fourth release, and he's still "rehearsing". 

So now you're up to speed on why being transparent with your bandmates is so crucially important. I cannot stress enough that when you're "inviting" people to join a "band" with you, EVERYONE needs to be 100% forthright about the plan, about expectations, and about boundaries. Next time we'll start talking about the different types of "leadership" scenarios in bands, and hopefully you can learn from my experiences to avoid making the same mistakes or tolerating the same drama. Once you get to your 30s and 40s, you think "oh, cool, I'm not in high school anymore, so being in a band should be effortless and free from personality clashes and egotism". You're wrong. It almost seems WORSE, because you're NOT talking about teenagers, but aging people of middle age and older. It doesn't matter if you're 13 or 63, you stand a good chance of having to deal with pettiness, narcissism, egos and basically just shitty people. Be prepared, and protect yourself. As I'll remind you in future posts, never forget your involvement in a band is 100% VOLUNTARY, and you aren't obligated to tolerate bullshit of any kind. But if you DO find yourself in an increasingly uncomfortable scenario, don't roll over or bend the knee. Stand up for yourself, and try to work it out like adults. If that doesn't work, exercise your right to walk away. Sometimes that is the only answer when someone proves to not "play well with others."

Good luck out there!

H