In this final part to the "Dead Weight Trilogy", I'm just going to give you a little encouragement, advice and motivation to act on what you know needs to be done now.
As someone who has been on both sides of the cheesy soap-opera called "the firing of a bandmate" at one point or another throughout the years (literally only once having been fired, but still, it DID happen that time), I can confirm that it's rarely pretty. Most of the time, the individual being dismissed is the only one in the band who didn't see it coming. And it’s no secret that musicians, in general, can be some of the most needy, melodramatic and petty people on the planet, which leads to "complications" in situations that should be cut-and-dry. I have always said semi-jokingly that the one thing that might make me just quit playing music altogether one day is...well..."musicians".
When someone becomes a liability, it's time to act. It's no longer a time to "talk" to deaf ears about a problem that will not simply go away (or to repeat one’s self for the Nth time expecting the individual to straighten up “this time”). And no one is a "jerk" or "asshole" because they don't let someone else embarrass them, or because they refuse to let someone disrespect them and waste their time. No one is “unreasonable” for holding another to the same standard of courtesy, priority, work ethic and respect he/she holds him-/herself to. It's NOT out-of-bounds for you to be dismissed from a band because you aren't a good fit, aren't bringing enough to the table or aren't truly carrying your own weight. No one is so special or so talented that they should get a pass, and odds are, if you're "in between bands", it's not your first rodeo. And my heart goes out to people backed into the corner who are forced to have to restructure their band, even if it was under amicable circumstances, because it's never a walk in the park. But often, the more urgency in play, the less-amicable the inevitable split will be, and there's just no easy way. Well, the actual dismissal part is as simple as you want it to be--could be a call, a text, an email or a band meeting. Just have your facts in your corner, say what you need to say and done. For the recipient of the proverbial eviction notice though, the feelings could vary from relief with a side of restrained jubilation (like the time I was let go from a band) all the way to psychotic rage. You might get lucky and have a "healthy breakup" with said member (now-former-member), but always be prepared to see that person's absolute worst come out. If the person is a levelheaded, reasonable person, you might just get a little snarkiness or attitude, but if he/she is a mercurial or eccentric individual, things could get nasty.
Regardless, if you've reached the point where your working relationship is no longer productive or enjoyable, something must be done. 9 out of 10 times, there will be more than one band member who wants to see the problematic bandmate shown the exit. But in that rare case where you're the only one, be objective and ask yourself if it might be an issue with yourself more than anything. You might be able to compartmentalize and work around it provided the band is flourishing, the gigs are rewarding/lucrative and you otherwise like the band or the music you're playing. But I can tell you from experience (and as you've seen in my previous blog), there are just some personality types that don't make for good bandmate material. If they make you dread performing, rehearsals, songwriting sessions, etc., they're sapping your mojo, and something's got to give, even if that means you have to recuse yourself from the band in the event that the rest of the band gets on well, leaving you the odd-man-out. Never disregard the fact that there WILL be a reaction from the fired member, one way or the other...it just depends on their personality and mental health stability how reactive they'll be.
From the perspective of the now-bandless party, when it comes to life in general, owning up to a mistake, bad life choice or failure to do one's job reliably/consistently is never an easy task, but it's more honorable and truthful than pretending you “don't know what went wrong”, or even worse, trying to convince anyone who’ll listen that it's simply some mere coincidence or conspiracy and that everyone’s just out to get you. Not saying that sometimes the conspiracy paranoia isn't dead on the money (I've seen it firsthand), but that's the less-frequent scenario. So BE OBJECTIVE. When it comes to being excused from a band, it's disingenuous and atrocious for someone to go through extraneous efforts to try to convince their entourage and acquaintances that it was somehow ANYONE else’s fault but their own, but the fact remains that everyone else in the band voted to sack them. Whether unanimously or by majority-rule, you're out, and be truthful about why, no matter how hurt your feelings might be over it. It will save you embarrassment, and keep you from being "that guy" who spreads disinformation gaslighting the people who collectively decided they didn't want to work with you anymore.
But it happens, even when dealing with musicians well into middle age who, based on my personal experience, are often surprisingly far worse than people half their age when it comes to band (and personal) drama. And it's especially infuriating when you (as a remaining member of a band dismissing a problem child) take the high road and keep the "official" word diplomatic, respectful and vague in the name of helping to protect the reputation of someone who probably doesn't actually deserve it (Hi again, Ben!), only to find out that he/she in turn has slandered and defamed you and your group, played victim to whomever will listen, talking trash because he/she has absolutely nothing better to do and no other reason to exist. When he/she resorts to outright LIES to vilify their former bandmates, it speaks louder and more negatively about his/her own character than anyone else's in the group, that he/she feels such insecurity or jealousy that they must try to discredit others in a vain attempt to raise themselves up a little, and you need to remember that ultimately, karma will prevail. When the folks attending the pity-party aren't hearing "all the details", and are only hearing this one story from an individual who has a desperate, vested interest in making sure people believe his/her side of the story over the painful truth, accountability is absent and becomes irrelevant. And those people don't realize they're being played (victimized) in the process also, adding insult to injury in the end. Unfortunately, this is a very real possibility that you need to be prepared for, just in case.
For the band's fans, friends, hangers-on and such, sure, there are always "two sides to the story", just make sure you hear both of those sides so you can decide objectively which party is truly at fault. Keep in mind that the band as a collective decided to fire the member, and it's more often than not for very legitimate reasons, despite what the disgruntled individual may want friends/associates/random strangers to believe. Simple personality conflicts or clashes in chemistry between a couple members rarely (if ever) end in the band firing either member, as usually one or the other will simply quit on their own, done deal. So if someone tells you an outrageously vague story about how he/she was just "for whatever (unknown) reason" suddenly and unexpectedly let go from their musical project by all its other members as a band decision, you might want to inquire deeper before judging the multiple people who made this collective choice in direction. Odds are, the majority parties have a perfectly logical reason, or were actually just trying to not only protect their own integrity by not being melodramatic about it, but also are protecting friends/fans/YOU from awful performances or watching band drama unfold. It's your responsibility to make sure you are informed if you're going to take a "side" on a matter like this, or MOST IMPORTANTLY: you need to ask yourself why you are thought so little of that you are being coerced into taking sides in the first place, and why he/she is so intent that you believe what he/she wants you to believe blindly. So the next time a salty person who's been handed his/her walking papers by their band tells you someone/everyone else is “difficult” or “hard to work with”, or that the parties being insulted are “jerks” or “assholes”, make sure you grill the butthurt accuser a little. Ask them why. Ask for examples. And demand the truth. If they won’t give it to you, or their explanations don’t add up, I’m sure their former bandmates would be more than glad to educate you in the matter and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to clear up any falsehoods. Also ask yourself, why is this person exerting energy being a negative twat instead of forming his/her own new musical project? Perhaps he/she has trouble finding musicians willing to gamble on his/her sobriety, personality and reliability? There’s a reason the band who axed him/her is still getting by just fine in his/her absence or possibly even has improved overall without the hindrances. So think about that while you’re listening to the next round of whining and moaning before forming a conclusive opinion.
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be whiny washout weekend warrior rockstar-wannabes. Or at least make sure if they do end up as such, that they can take their licks when their irresponsibility comes back to bite them, and will act like an adult about it when it does. And musicians, word gets around when you act a fool and spread BS. So act your age, PLEASE! You're making the rest of us look bad, and not for the reason you intended!!!
