Vinnie Vincent and the Two Million Dollar Album Nobody Wants...

 

Let me preface by saying I am an old-school KISS fan, because when I was a toddler in the late-70's, they were all over the place, and I still look back on some of their "big dumb rock songs" with adoration. As a guitarist, I learned many of my tricks and licks listening to those first several KISS records. I don't really care much for the post-70's stuff, but to each his own. To me, KISS was literally the same exact style of music as the Lynyrd Skynyrd crap my peers listened to, but more fun: riffs, rock shuffles, R&B-inspired basslines and silly lyrics. But KISS was a more entertaining band, and ultimately, had more songs that were worth a re-listen. I don't like the "Korporation" that the band became, but I am great at compartmentalization, so I can pretend the '73 to '82 KISS was a separate entity. That being said...

Sometimes you just feel embarrassed FOR someone. Case in point...

Ever since Ace Frehley (d.2025) started going on weird political rants during his band's live shows several years back, and capped-off last year with strange political theatrics by the remaining 3 original members of KISS for a photo-op and a grasp at relevance in the news, I had all but forgotten about the band's members during that bizarre period in the 80's when they shed their shock-rock image and went full glam/hair, forever alienating many fans of the group's campy, big, dumb rock-n-roll songwriting and stage theatrics. 

Eric Carr passed away over 30 years ago, Bruce Kulick has been out of active duty since they replaced him with former guitar-tech-turned-Ace-impersonator Tommy Thayer, and Eric Singer was the only consistent non-original member after the 90's-early-2000's reunion of the original four members ended. My guess is that with Paul and Gene being the "owners" of the trademark/corporation/whatever, the "sidemen" were not to draw too much attention to themselves. They were not much more than session players, hired to dress up, perform, collect their pittance and leave the press stuff to the boss(es). And then there's "Vinnie Vincent" (Vincent Cusano).

He joined the band on their last tour or so with a new makeup design ("the wizard" or "ankh warrior", depending on who you ask--either way, easily the least-imaginative design), and worked hard to be noticed as the little five-and-a-half-foot, nimble-fingered guitarist weaving in between Paul and Gene with his pointy guitar, playing in a completely different style (often OVERplaying) than the straightforward, sometimes-repetitive blues pentatonics Ace was known for. He was also around for that first tour after the band shed the comic book hero looks and switched to some of the most contradictory amalgams of hypermasculinity and cartoonish androgyny the "hair" genre would ever see. He butted heads with Stanley and Simmons over an employee agreement, and left the band mid-tour, replaced temporarily by Mark St. John (who also was not stylistically a good fit, and had to leave the band after a purported hand/arthritis issue (which later was found out to maybe be "something else", mysteriously enough). Vincent would, weird as it sounds, be hired from time to time to assist with songwriting, but never played with the band again. While some of his writing for the band was decent, a lot of it was schlocky and just BAD, as evidenced also in his songs written for his band, the Vinnie Vincent Invasion.

Vinnie disappeared for many years, but then around 2018, he started popping up on KISS Kruises and KISS Konventions and whatnot, hinting at a "new album" coming out (if I'm not mistaken, he's held onto calling it "Guitarmageddon" since even back then), featuring the "best rock songs in decades". He was the only KISS member who wouldn't get up and play onstage during these appearances, leading most people to think Vinnie had lost his ability to play altogether. He'd do a couple of halfassed, phoned-in sit-ins that ended up being filmed, but to say they were less-than-impressive is an understatement. In fact, due to his hairstyle, his wardrobe choices, his immaculate makeup and his increased tendency to behave more effeminately, there are still rumors going around that Vincent was also possibly about to come out as trans...and as you can imagine, the KISS fanbase was also split on that. Somehow, the guys who just couldn't put two-and-two together about Stanley's onstage prancing, primping, prissing and pouting also had strong feelings against this new Vinnie, who frankly, could pass for someone's Italian grandma at this point in every way. The rumors have never been confirmed or debunked, but that's not the most controversial thing. No, the problem now is this album, in both terms of its quality (or lack thereof), and this newest development.

Now's where I recommend that you read the article below, but DON'T listen to the song(s) just yet.

https://www.guitarworld.com/artists/music-releases/vinnie-vincent-guitarmageddon-two-million-dollars

Crazy, huh? TWO MILLION DOLLARS for an album that no record company wants (even SplitScreen Entertainment, who released a VVI "tribute" album 15 years or so ago, wouldn't touch it). I don't know what's more insane, the overall purchase price for the album, the purchase price per song, or the batshit loony "terms and conditions" the buyer would have to agree to. This shit is legit cuckoo as hell. What a way to ensure your new music is never heard again. No one is that big a fan of Vinnie to even ponder paying that kind of dough for an album of his, EVEN IF it didn't come with all the cringey stipulations.

I don't know if Vinnie owes some people a lot of money, has really got a bad problem with substances, is finally going through with some procedures, or is simply delusional, greedy and that pompous, but what a perplexing thing to do.

Okay, so you're probably thinking, cheesy title(s) aside, "no way is it REALLY that bad", or "you're being way too harsh", and to that I say: "Go for it."

Seriously. Go listen to "Ride the Serpent" [shudders]. See if you can make it past the first verse...if you can even tell where it begins or ends. I'm sorry it came to this, but you HAD to hear just how atrocious it was with your own ears.

That song alone sounds like there are literally four different songs just dumped into the same track. And this is supposed to be the "album" version. Ugh. REALLY? You can find many of the tracks in their 80's/90's "demo" versions on Youtube, and frankly, they're all horrible. I mean, what do you expect out of a song called "Heavy Metal Poontang" or "Cockteazer", really, but even if the "final" versions are mixed like "...Serpent", they will still be unlistenable. Because the "album mix" still sounds like it was recorded in an empty inground pool under a metal roof.

I hope Vinnie gets the help he obviously needs, and I will make a solemn vow here that when I win the Powerball/Mega-Millions lottery, I will use some of my winnings to purchase this work (I will offer much less, but I guarantee you he will take it), and I will see that it is thoroughly destroyed by sending it on a rocket straight into the sun. That will be my gift to mankind.