"I'm not mean, I'm brutally honest. It's not my fault truth hurts. Here's a band-aid."
(Unknown)
A never-ending and increasingly-sensitive subject with one of the many projects I was a hired-gun for (names withheld to protect the guilty) was the argument of "rehearsal" versus "practice"; or more accurately, the contrast between my expectations that EVERYONE has practiced and memorized his/her parts prior to band rehearsal and someone else moaning and griping about not having enough "band rehearsals" or "time" to prepare for them. I realize some people do not appreciate my brutal honesty and what they perceive as a sometimes-condescending attitude, but it comes down to this: I SHOW UP AND DO MY FUCKING JOB. IF YOU AREN'T DOING YOURS AS WELL, IT'S ON YOU, NOT ME. CAPISCE?
First and foremost, always remember that EVERY band member’s time is just as valuable as yours, and aside being completely unprofessional on every level, wasting another member’s personal time/fuel cost/psychological energy by requiring them to grind through the motions over and over waiting for others to play catch-up is insulting (professionally AND personally), and is just simply downright rude and discourteous. The time to learn and memorize one’s own parts to the agreed upon material is on one’s own time, and that is called "practice". Band “rehearsals” are supposed to be just that: ”rehearsals” to solidify beginnings and ends, and to confirm that everyone has learned the material, or in some cases to rearrange existing material significantly, if you're building a mash-up or medley, or something of that nature. This should NOT be misused as a substitute for personal “practice” or “lesson” time for individuals. Particularly when addressing cover-bands, songs not being drastically modified from their original composition should only have to be rehearsed LITERALLY once or twice as a group if everyone comes prepared, and then the band should be more than ready to perform them live adequately without further study or repetition, moving onto the next new piece of material which was supposed to have been learned between band rehearsals. If someone is not 100% ready, just skip it and come back to it at a later date when he/she has completed their personal responsibility on his/her own time. If an irreparable handicap or limitation keeps the song from being performed satisfactorily, replace the song with one better suited to the skills of your members immediately and do not waste time on it any further. If more than one song on your to-do list for that rehearsal has to be skipped due to negligence, fuck it...just don't rehearse as a band this week and waste anyone else's time, you can use that allotted "band rehearsal time" for personal practice and everyone should be even better prepared for the next one. If you find yourself having to do this more than you feel you should (especially if/when you're being nagged about "rehearsal" on a weekly basis), it’s time to evaluate the weak link and consider a more universal solution for the health of your band (and yourself).
But whatever you do, for fuck's sake, NEVER give shitty excuses as to why you aren't prepared or "didn't have time" to get it together. Especially if there is already tension between you and another, more productive member of your band who (despite THEIR family and professional commitments) busts his/her ass to be prepared and then some, and definitely when everyone knows you have NO issues whatsoever "finding time" to go see other live music, shoot pool, hang out at the pub or do karaoke several nights a week, you're going to get called out when you start whinging on and on about your lack of "time" to prepare yourself for productive band rehearsals. If you're already a difficult bandmate to work with and there's bad chemistry between you and one or more bandmates, this is likely going to be the nail in the coffin which will cause your more-effective bandmates to consider other options in the form of sacking you to hire someone who takes the gig more seriously, or in them leaving your group and putting you in the situation of having to replace multiple band members in a very short amount of time. Just do the damned work. You most likely relish the accolades and (largely unwarranted) praise by bar patrons and your drunk friends at your shows, and you're spoiled by the sheer luck that they don't pay attention to what a half-ass you are compared to your bandmates, thus they may not realize that the music stand with lyric sheets and song notes you rely on for every performance is a clear sign of who is the least-prepared member of the band, the one who takes his/her showboating, chest-puffing, strutting braggadociously and liquor-shots more seriously than actually worrying about trivial little things like (*gasp!*) learning the music/words.
Excuses are never a substitute for RESULTS. You may say one thing, but trust me, your bandmates who actually put in their time learning and memorizing the material hear a completely different sentence. Here’s a translation guide (some items borrowed from an old article a friend sent me a while back) to the most common excuses heard at rehearsals (or "about" rehearsals), and why making them only makes you look foolish:
1. “I didn’t have time to listen to the music.”
What we hear: I don’t take this gig/band/job seriously enough to prioritize learning the music. Although you gave me the music/lyrics to study and plenty of time in which to do it, it obviously never occurred to me that I should actually sit down for an extended period of time and learn/practice it at some point in the week between rehearsals. Feel free to replace me with someone who will spend time preparing for the gig. I’ll be hanging out doing karaoke or open-mic jams and wondering why no one is hiring me anymore.
2. “This isn’t the way I usually play this song [or isn’t the way I’m used to playing it].”
What we hear: I’m musically stuck in one style of playing and I don’t have the ability to hear or play things in new ways. I’m also lazy, and learning a new (or the CORRECT) way of playing this song would mean I have to actually put personal time into practice. [See #1] I would rather complain about the arrangement rather than take direction and focus on flowing with the band to actually play the song properly.
3. “I forgot my pedal/amp/cord/equipment/cymbals/etc. “
What we hear: You mean to play my instrument, I actually have to bring ALL the pieces that make up the instrument? That’s news to me. Please replace me with someone who knows what parts he/she needs to play the instrument I claim to know how to play.
4. “This key/timing/progression doesn’t work for me.”
What we hear: I was unaware that there is more than one key in music. I was perfectly happy playing in the first key I learned back in elementary school – I think it’s "C"...or "G"– or the easiest key for me to play on guitar..."E"? After all, I just use my transpose button / capo and I’m all set when there’s another key. Too much work to actually learn to play in all 12 keys or use more than power-chords or basic cowboy chords. And let's just skip that bridge with the weird timing or odd chord progression because I don't feel like taking the time to learn it [Again, see #1] ; ALTERNATE TRANSLATION: Despite my posturing and boasting regarding my talent and ability, actually playing songs might be out of my scope of skills.
***NOTE: AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO SIMPLY "NOT PLAY ON" A PART BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO LEARN IT. ALSO, IF A SONG ORIGINALLY HAD TWO OR THREE GUITARISTS PLAYING (ESP. LIVE PERFORMANCES; FOR EXAMPLE SONGS BY RADIOHEAD, COLLECTIVE SOUL, ETC), DON'T PUT ALL THE WEIGHT ON ONE GUITARIST'S SHOULDERS TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK. IT SOUNDS LIKE SHIT AND IT'S EMBARRASSING TO PLAY IT THAT WAY. EARN YOUR KEEP OR QUIT.
5. “I’ll know it by the time we play the gig.”
What we hear: I’m so unjustifiably confident in my own abilities that I decided to just waste your time with this rehearsal. After all, why rehearse when I never play/sing a wrong note/beat/etc.? Well, okay, I play/sing lots of wrong notes/beats/etc., but I don’t actually consider that a problem. It’s only a problem for the rest of the band that has no idea what I’ll do when the actual performance rolls around. But I don't believe it's fair for you to presume that I will be just as unprepared come showtime as I was for rehearsal all those other times.
6. “I’m not performing at my potential because we [the band] don’t rehearse often enough together.”
What we hear: While I am just as capable as everyone else in the band to work on my individual responsibilities and duties to the band in my personal time to prevent adding to the chaos and to make actual progress, in addition to my aforementioned laziness, I’d rather waste everyone else’s time since I prefer spending time I could be learning/memorizing material out at the karaoke bar, shooting pool or getting shitfaced. Also, my ego disallows me to admit that I may not be as “good” as I pretend I am, so it makes more sense to gaslight, shifting blame to the collective in a futile attempt to save face and avoid accountability for my failures. How can I do my job, after all, if you aren't here to cue me and cover up my mistakes so I know what I can 'skip over' learning?!?!? That isn't very fair...to me...
7. “I’m not memorizing my parts/lyrics fully because the band doesn’t rehearse often enough.”
What we hear: See translations for #1 and #6.
8. “I’m not prepared or am not performing at my potential because I have had lots going on at work or in my personal life.”
What we hear: In case you haven’t gotten the hint already, my time is far more valuable than yours is, and if I would’ve called off rehearsal till a later date when I have my act together, it would mean I’d have to drink and be counterproductive/annoying at home alone or at the karaoke bar instead of with you guys.
***NOTE: BOO-FUCKING-HOO. WHEN SOME OF US HAVE 3 OR 4 OTHER MUSICAL PROJECTS TO JUGGLE, A DAY JOB, A FAMILY AND OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES AND WE STILL MANAGE TO SHOW UP AND DO OUR DAMN JOBS, YOUR ARGUMENT IS IRRELEVANT.
9. “You guys don’t understand how hard it is for me to do this [play/sing].”
What we hear: I obviously have not paid attention to or have not done any research on my bandmates, and I do not realize that one of my band members has done or currently does the exact same job as I do in another group (or two...or three) and I’m making a complete ass of myself by whining about my chosen position/duty in the band like a little bitch. But don’t step on my toes and prove you can do the job as easily or effectively, because that makes me fear that I might be replaced and won’t have anywhere to go get shitfaced in the company of actual human beings and listen to myself mumble and slur into a microphone.
***NOTE ON #9: SERIOUSLY. SHUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING MOUTH. JUST QUIT IF IT'S "THAT HARD". IF ALL YOU DO IS BITCH ABOUT YOUR CHOSEN INSTRUMENT/ROLE, YOU ARE BECOMING A STRAIN, DEAD-WEIGHT, AND A LIABILITY, AND IF SOMEONE ELSE IN THE BAND CAN DO EVEN 80% AS GOOD OF A JOB ON ANY GIVEN NIGHT, YOUR ASS IS ALREADY OBSOLETE.
10. “This is a hobby...I don’t want it to feel like a job.”
What we hear: For me, anyway. I expect the rest of you need to play on a professional level and the way I want, to make it desirable and fun for me to continue with this band, however the same cannot be expected in return, because your expectations of me fulfilling MY duties in the same professional and consistent manner would make it less fun, and more like “work”...for ME. Just please continue to make me look good and let's all get along, K?
***NOTE: IT'S ALSO NOT A GOOD IDEA TO WAVE HANDS AT, POINT FINGERS AT OR TRY TO "DIRECT" YOUR BANDMATES ON PARTS THEY DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH DOING ON SONGS THAT THEY ALREADY DON'T LIKE IF YOU THINK YOU CAN SELECTIVELY "SIT OUT" ON PARTS OR DUTIES YOURSELF. AND IF YOU EVER YELL AT A BANDMATE AT REHEARSAL TO SHUT UP, BE QUIET OR STOP PLAYING BECAUSE YOU FORGOT YOUR PART OR WHATEVER AND THE "NOISE" IS DISTRACTING YOU, CONSIDER YOUR DAYS NUMBERED. SERIOUSLY, GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR SHIT UP.
11. “I didn’t get the email/text or didn't check the calendar.”
What we hear: I’ve somehow managed (despite having my phone up my ass 24/7) to neglect opening the email attachment with the song you sent weeks ago or take the time to read my messages thoroughly. And what in the world is a ‘Dropbox' or 'Google Drive?’ I’d prefer if you went old-school and handed me a CD, or you could go classic and fax me the sheet music/lyrics. Just page my beeper when you send it.
12. “I listened to the wrong arrangement.”
What we hear: When I saw the song on the list, I immediately pulled up every Youtube and Spotify version of the song I could find – except the one you specified – and got thoroughly confused. One was played in F sharp as a waltz and another was in C minor as a blues. I’m just gonna play a mash-up of the two and hope one of them is the one you wanted. It didn’t help that I waited till an hour before rehearsal to start listening to it instead of a week ago when you sent it, but whatev’s...
13. “I already know it.”
What we hear: I’ve heard the song on the radio a few times and I think I can guess/bullshit my way through enough of the song to convince you that I know it, and if not, I'll just add that to my sheets of notes or on my iPad so I can (try to) read off it onstage, no one will notice after all, I'm sure. Of course, if I miss a chord or melody I can just blame it on the other musicians for changing the feel. No one will ever know as long as I act like I was the guy in the studio during the original recording.
14. “I just learned the (verse, chorus, etc).”
What we hear: While listening to it that couple times just before rehearsal [see translation for #12], I decided I’d just catch the gist of the chorus, the hook, or some other part of the song and learn the rest later. “Later” never happened, and now we’re supposed to play the entire thing. Just be appreciative that I can play the section I learned. No one ever does the entire song anyway...right?
15. “We’ll just play that part differently, nobody will care.”
What we hear: Either I’m too lazy (there’s that word again) to learn how to play the part right, or the ability of another member or myself just isn’t up to snuff to play it properly, so let’s just do it the halfassed way instead of picking another song we can actually all play competently. I’ll probably be too drunk by that point in the set to play/sing it right anyway, so who cares?
16. “This PA/amp/guitar/microphone/lighting/something-I-ate-for-dinner is messing me up.”
What we hear: I’m too proud to admit that I make as many mistakes as anyone else, and refuse to admit that I just plain screwed up, so I’m going to blame a piece of equipment or some random-ass circumstance for my failure to perform.
17. “I play just fine drunk/high.”
What we hear: Chemical impairment not only renders me incapable of putting on a quality professional performance, but it also graciously renders me incapable of noticing, or caring.
***NOTE: NEWS FLASH---NOBODY PLAYS OR SINGS BETTER WHEN THEY'RE SHITFACED. DON'T BELIEVE ME? RECORD A PERFORMANCE SOBER, AND ANOTHER INTOXICATED. LISTEN TO THE DEGRADED QUALITY ONCE THOSE SHOTS AND BEER KICK IN. LEARN, BEFORE THAT ONE FATEFUL SHOW WHERE YOU HAVE A MEMBER OR TWO START PACKING UP MID-SET BECAUSE THEY ARE EMBARRASSED.
18. “I'm just getting over a [random common illness], so I might not be [or that’s why I wasn’t] on my A-game tonight.”
What we hear: I [still] haven't learned/memorized the material very well and/or haven’t corrected the issues I had with playing/singing it, so I'm going to be leaning on the rest of the band the entire rehearsal and wasting everyone’s time. Thankfully I’ll be incoherent after some shots and a few beers during the breaks, and it won’t be noticeable [to me].
19. “The absence of [a preferred effect/mix] on my instrument/vocal is messing me up.”
What we hear: I would prefer to mask my marginal [or lack of] ability to do my job with an effect, and not being able to do so has psyched me out.
20. “I don’t have an ego problem. YOU’RE the one with the ego.”
What we hear: I have narcissistic personality disorder.
Hopefully these translations will help you see these common phrases for what they are – excuses that attempt to hide a lack of character, respect and professionalism. Ban these phrases from your musical vocabulary (and rid yourself of the folks who use them) and you’ll have much better rehearsals and performances.
This is especially applicable to cover-bands who aren't doing original material. Because unless you are actually creating new, original music together and are brainstorming arrangements, there IS no excuse. In a cover-band, you have music to learn, and a nearly-infinite source of information called "the internet", which is available 24/7/365. There is no viable, logical excuse to coming to rehearsals less than ready. There is no explanation known to man as to why a group of even marginally-competent musicians shouldn't be expected to bring at LEAST 6 new cover songs to the table each rehearsal. Being in a cover-band is LITERALLY the least amount of actual musical work you can do besides karaoke and DJ-ing, and if your bandmate can make time to learn that fucking godawful Creed or Staind song you won't just let fucking die, then you can learn the non-shitty material like someone who gives a damn about his/her band. End of story.
If all this sounds pointed, it is. If you feel attacked or triggered, well...where I come from there's a saying: "a hit dog will holler". But when you've had this experience over and over again where people don't listen when you talk about things, and ignore it altogether when you put it in writing (texts/emails), sometimes your options are to vent in a manner such as this so they can reflect accordingly. I guess you could also bottle it up and then blow up at someone at an inopportune time (at rehearsal...on stage...at a gig...whatever), but this way seems healthier, and is a shit-ton more polite and matter-of-fact than I would be able to be once my buttons have been pushed too much. Lastly, often people resort to getting offended at criticism when they SHOULD be looking at it like "holy fuck...this guy actually has put a lot of thought and effort into trying to help our band be all that it can be."
...oh...the LULZ of the dive-bar music career...
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